Updated: Aug 23
Let’s be honest, most of us at some point have faked an orgasm. Even the guys I know have fessed up to faking it on occasion. Yes, I know the reasons you shouldn’t fake it, and the arguments for never faking it are very legitimate. But I have to be honest, I still do it.
Before I talk about why I fake orgasm, let me talk about the reasons people say you should not fake it. First, faking it gives your partner(s) the idea that they have brought you to orgams, then they think they have figured out the secret to your pleasure and are less likely to learn what really makes you climax. Second, it falsely empowers men. Guys, almost every guy I know, believes he has the right and the power to please every woman. Faking it allows this delusion to continue. Third, faking it keeps climax at the center of a sexual encounter.
All of these arguments are completely legitimate reasons to give up faking orgasm. I think they are relevant and important to address in sexual relationships.
If you are faking it to please your partner and give them some sense of success, the feeling of success is based on a lie. Long-term, this is going to hurt both your emotional and sexual relationship. It is hard to begin a sexual relationship by faking it then over time have to re-educate someone on how to please you. Additionally, lots of people get hurt when they find out you have been lying about your orgasms.
Second, men do not need to think they have the power to make every woman come. Guys are already over-entitled and walk around thinking they own more of the world then they do or deserve. Faking continues this false empowerment.
Finally, faking it makes it appear as if climax is the only reason to have sex. There are lots of reasons to have sex and reaching orgasm is not necessary for most of them. People have sex to connect, release tension, have fun, and express emotions. None of that requires an orgasm. I believe that we need to redirect the focus of sexual encounters to the myriad of reasons we have sex and not just reaching climax.
All that said, I still fake it. Here is why. Part of the reason I fake it is that I know that I have difficulty climaxing in a lot of situations. For me, it takes time, the right head space, the right combination of moves (which change over time), the right temperature and the time of month during my cycle. For longer term partners, I have explained this. Most have been pretty accepting and willing to put in the time to make it work for me. However, it doesn’t always work.
So, sometimes I fake it. My general considerations if I am going to fake it include the need to wrap things up, the desire to keep trying to make something work, and my partner’s feelings. I have been with a few people who insist that if I don’t climax then they must be a complete failure. I have tried to explain that climax is not the primary reason I have sex. I have found that many guys have a problem accepting this. One of two things happen. They either insist on epic sessions to try and make me cum or they give up trying altogether. For me, sometimes it is worth it to fake it after a good period of trying as a way of saying, “Thanks, we will try again next time.”
Sometimes I am ready to wrap things up. I have had a number of partners who go into some sessions convinced they are going to rock my world. At some point, I need to wrap things up to make a meeting, or clean the house or go to bed. I don’t want to put the energy into telling the, “It’s okay, you didn’t make me cum, but hey, I had fun.” Sometimes its easier to fake it so I can go and get dinner started.
Finally, some partners are almost never going to make me cum. Our dynamic is not one that gets me in the right headspace to reach climax. This does not mean I am not having fun nor does it mean I am not going to want to play with them again. With these partners I talk about not always needing to climax. However, if it has been three or four times we play together and I have not cum, I will fake it to encourage them to keep playing.
I think we need to have a conversation about the need to remove climax as the goal of every sexual encounter. However, since that has not happened yet, there are still lots of people who believe that failing to bring a partner to orgasm means they have failed. So as much as I agree with the need to stop faking it, I just can’t.