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Its Not All About Sex

Updated: Aug 22, 2022

Okay, I get that most people not in the kink community believe that kink and BDSM only refer to sex. I get that kink and BDSM are very foreign to most people. I get that it is scary and off-putting to people who are raised in the predominant cultural narrative about sex. I am also sick of this.

Kink and BDSM go way beyond sex. There are communities, it speaks to relationship dynamics, and a lot of kinky people get together to do stuff like play cards, have dinner, and watch television. Being in the kink community is like being in the LGBT community in that people not part of that community are way more obsessed with our sex lives than we are.

I bring this up because, once again, a bunch of vanilla folks, ignorant of kink, are using their mispreceptions and beliefs to misconstrue something. I am preparing to do my calendar release party in Sacramento. The calendar contains inspirational shots based on the posters featured in corporate spaces but with a kinky twist. For example, I have a girl in a bra and panties and kitten ears in a rope suspension in a tree for “Hang In There Kitten!”

As with other public events I have hosted, I placed an event announcement on I included in the description that there would be a calendar signing and models would be available at the location (a bar) to sign their images. Sacramento365 sent me an email staying that they could not promote public sex or explicit adult activity on their site and refused to place the ad.

First, there is no public sex. The fact that this event is in bar precludes any sexual activity. You can’t host a public sex party in Sacramento and serve alcohol without violating city code. Second, there isn’t nudity. As with any venue in Sacramento, fetish wear is acceptable, public nudity is not. Some of the models will be in things like corsets and stockings, but as with any of the burlesque performances in the city (we have four troupes), we are legally covered (e.g., no nipples). Third, this event is very similar to other calendar event promotions that have been featured on the site in the past. However, since I am not featuring near-naked firemen or cops, I get banned.

I replied to the email further explicating the event and illustrating how it falls in line with the requirements of the site. Not surprisingly, they have refused to reply. It is very common for people to refuse to admit they are wrong and that their prejudice got in the way.

Yes, in general, kinky folks are more comfortable talking about sex and kink. I had a non-kinkster as one of my models. She was listening to my rigger and I chat about things like floggers and bondage equipment. Her comment was, “If you didn’t listen to the words, you would have thought you were exchanging recipes.” Yup. We are much more relaxed and casual about sex and sexuality, but much of the conversation is not an attempt to be titillating or erotic. A lot of it actually is just information exchange and story telling.

The reality is, many kinksters have very broad lives and interest. The other night, I was with a good friend who is also in the community. He and I spent most of the night chatting politics and talking about the recent Democratic debate. While not sexy, it was a really great conversation.

Kink infuses my life. When I listen to other stand-up comics make sex jokes, I generally want to offer them tips and techniques at the end because their set indicates that they don’t understand things like anal sex or dildos. I will laugh at stuff that people don’t necessarily intend to be funny but in my world, it has a different interpretation. I do talk about sex a lot – but that is also my profession.

I know people not in the kink world have all sorts of skewed perceptions and obsess about the nature of kinky sex. They are scared that if someone in the kink community is around it will be all whips and chains and beating talk. The reality is, we are like you in a lot of ways. We just don’t spend hours obsessing about other people’s sex lives.

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