In a most predictable move, once BDSM became a topic most American’s had heard about, abusers co-opted its language to justify their behavior. Celebrities like Marilyn Manson and Armie Hammer have defended allegations of abuse and violence as simply consensual BDSM. Its not just celebrities claiming abusive behavior is really consensual kink. Fetlife has been inundated with people who are seeking their next abuse victim and housing their search in the language of kink. The as

If I am really honest about some kink behavior, it looks like abuse out of context. I have seen more than one play scene where the bottom was clearly in distress and the top did not stop (no safe word was used, but the distress was real). I have watched people who carry out punishments in protocols that outside of a kink arena could not be distinguished from abuse. However, in the context of a consensual D/s or BDSM relationship however, much of this behavior has a very diffe

I went to a meeting of submissives this week and an interesting discussion question was posed: What is the difference between discipline, punishment and abuse in an D/s and BDSM relationship. This is an important question that needs lots of discussion and clarification. Many D-types integrate discipline and punishments into their dynamics with submissives. It is part of the power exchange that occurs in these types of relationships. Many submissives and slaves I know actually

I have been asked several times in the past few months about what I think about the growing visibility of kink. With the massive explosion of 50 Shades and all the products marketed with that more people are aware that some people practice BDSM or dominance and submission. I listened to quite a few conversations about how the kink closet is the next closet to come to people’s attention and how increased visibility will allow kinky people to be who they are. In all honesty, I

I was lucky when it came to discovering kink. There was almost no separation between my first kiss and my awareness of the kink community. By the time I heard Master and Servant by Depeche Mode in 1986 (I was 12), I had an inherent knowledge of what they were talking about and it seemed normal and right to me. Not everyone is that lucky. Most people I meet discover kink long after they discover sexuality. There is often a period of guilt or disgust about their own desires. Ma

I want to talk about perceptions versus reality of submission. There are a lot of misconceptions for both vanilla folks and newbie kinksters. I have seen these misconceptions lead to all sorts of relationship issues and emotional harm for submissives. I want to clarify some common ideas about submission and talk about the some of the things people need to think about prior to submitting. DISCLAIMER: I can only speak from my experience and relate what other subs, slaves, and b

There are several avidly anti-porn groups that are doing huge social media pushes asking people to boycott 50 Shades of Grey. The general argument is that the movie portrays bdsm and that all bdsm is inherently abusive to women. While I will boycott 50 Shades for other reasons, the anti-porn folks are wrong on many accounts. First, bdsm is not abusive to women. The assertion that bdsm is anti-woman and abusive relies on misunderstandings and bad representations of bdsm. Most