I adore having protocols in a relationship. Those rules and rituals power exchange couples create to serve their relationship provide a sense of belonging and security to me as a submissive. Protocols have a wide variety. Some are routine (e.g., daily or weekly tasks), some are situational (e.g., opening the door for a dominant), and some are sexual (e.g., having a butt plug inserted before your D-type arrives for play). When kink classes teach about protocols it is almost un

Shyness is something I have had a problem with personally. However, I have had several partners who are deeply reticent to talk about their needs and desires. It can be hard to open up about desires. Most of us are raised in cultures where talking about sex and kink desires is seen as shameful or bad. Couple that with a natural tendency to be quiet or an introvert and letting people know what you want and don’t want can be very difficult. I have had a few shy partners or part

I can’t believe I haven’t written a blog post on topping from the bottom! How could I be so remiss of addressing a topic which comes up often in sub group discussions? Ah well… here is my take on the issue. Topping from the bottom is when a submissive tries to control the scene in various ways. This can be giving explicit directions during a scene, setting exacting constraints prior to a scene, refusing to do activities which are not on a hard or soft limit list, or other sim

It’s National Mental Health Awareness Month so lets talk about power exchange and mental illness. Depending on the source, between 20 and 25 percent of adults experience a mental illness at least once in a lifetime. This means there is a high probability you will, at some point in your adult life, date and/or love someone with a mental illness. Here are the “Top 10 Things” you should know about being in a romantic, kinky relationship with someone living with a mental illness

Power exchange relationships have many similarities to vanilla relationships. Both require kindness, understanding, communication, and support by and for partners to success in the long term. In most cases, both vanilla and power exchange relationships involve sex between the partners. Both types or relationships require respect, but respect is a bigger deal in power exchange relationships than in vanilla relationships. Power exchange relationships (i.e., Dominant/submissive,

A couple of months ago I was performing with Bawdy Storytelling and had the great pleasure of hearing Race Bannon tell a story about the first time he bottomed. Bannon is a well-known Master in the kink community and has been for years. He didn’t bottom. One night he tried it and his story is about how eye-opening that experience was. This was followed by phone calls from two female friends both excited to tell me about how they recently fell into a dominant role in a relatio

The submissive’s body is a unique thing. Our body is ours, first and foremost. We have the right and the responsibility to keep it safe. We also keep and prepare our bodies for a dominant’s use and enjoyment. Many submissives, though not all by a long shot, enjoy some form of pain, be it mild or more extreme. Our relationship with pain is different than people who do not receive some form of satisfaction or enjoyment from certain types of pain. This means in caring for our bo

We are living in an age where certainty is demanded. Any time someone changes their mind or expresses any level of uncertainty, people pounce. Politicians are called “flip-floppers,” public figures are vilified, and individuals are called “weak,” or “uncommitted” or “dumb.” This demand for certainty is both ridiculous and detrimental. In terms of gender and sexuality, certainty is a killer. We have moved to a point were culturally we expect someone to know who they are and wh

I know that seems counter-intuitive to most people. Isn’t the role of an s-type based on giving power, sometimes total power, to a D-type? Isn’t that the appeal and purpose of submission? If we are going to talk about fantasy submission, sure I can agree with you. In the “perfect” world, in the fantasy world of Gor novels or The Story of O, where reality does not have to impede on human functioning, submission can be complete. In the real world, the one we live and work in, t

At some point in the last decade culture in the United States started demanding that people be certain about everything. We collectively lost the capacity to allow grey areas, to question our believes and understandings, and to change. I noticed this first in the political world. The parties stopped negotiating and became set in the quicksand of political certainty. When I started in politics 25 years ago, elected would negotiate, would reach across party lines to do good wor

After teaching my class “Power Exchange and Mental Illness” several times and corresponding with folks online who have read my writing about mental illness and BDSM, I have noticed most people assume that it is the submissive/slave/bottom who would be mentally ill. Statistically, this is incorrect. People on all parts of the BDSM spectrum experience mental illness. While this blog is dedicated to the submissive side of the lifestyle, I want to address the issues of D-types wi

My first serious girlfriend told me I was not worth the risk to marry because I had Bipolar. She knew this when we got together. Still, we dated, fell in love, had a relationship. After a few years, I asked about the possibility of marriage. I was told that because I had Bipolar, there was always a chance she would come home and find me dead by my own hand. That risk was not worth it to her. I can’t say I fully blame her for the caution. I had tried to kill myself once before

Dear Doms and Dommes: Thank you. Thank you for enjoying your role on the left of the slash. Without you, my life would not be nearly as fun and joyful as it is now. A good D-type can be transformative for a submissive. A good D-type helps ground me, can help me motivate to be better in many aspects of my life, and can bring me great joy. But, to be honest, I know way to many people who identify with the left of the slash that do no fall into the “good” D-type. I know as a sub