As we close one calendar year and move into the next, many of us take time to evaluate and make goals or wishes for the coming year. If you are the type to make a resolution, goal list, or other "New Year" activities list, don't forget to include your romantic and sex life!
Why Make Goals for Your Sex Life?
Sex and intimacy are often treated as afterthoughts. This isn't surprising. We don't teach teens about the importance of developing sexuality and intimacy. Culturally, we tell adults that "good sex" just happens. We never model discussing intimate and sexual needs with partners. Many people lack the self-knowledge or language to even start those conversations.
Luckily, in the kink world we have started to normalize learning about sex and desire. More importantly, talking about needs and desires is a critical aspect to how we interact with partners. This allows us (if we want) to continue to expand and grow our kinks as we age.
Another important reason to grow your sex life is to prevent getting stuck in a rut. One of the most common complaints of both long-term couples and aging individuals is that sex becomes less frequent and less enjoyable. There are many reasons for this; hormone changes, physical changes, illness, emotional fluctuations, and more. The good news, is a great remedy in both cases is to continue to grow and explore new forms of intimacy and sexuality. Our needs continue to change, so we need to continue to need to find new ways to meet these desires and need.
Where Do I Start?
If you have never consciously sought out a new kink or new experience in your sexual and intimate life, it may feel overwhelming. If you are just stumped at what to try next, it can be easy to set this aside and move on to less demanding goals.
You don't have to lose hope! The easiest place to start is just by taking a few days and thinking about your current intimate life and what is good, bad, and where are the opportunities to grow.
Materials: Journal of some kind (physical, notebook, audio app, computer document)
Make four sections on your paper. If doing an audio journal, this will be four questions to ask. Title each section "What is good," "What could be improved," "What have I been fantasizing about?" and "Opportunities for Growth." In each section, make a list of things that answer the questions.
Let the answers to Exercise 1 sit for a day or two. Review and see if there are any additions which have come up for you.
The answers to the first section "What is good" should be your guide to the foundation for going forward. The answers for the other three questions can provide some guidance tor what to explore next.
Look at the lists what could be improved and what you have been fantasying about to start. If your answer to your fantasy section is "Nothing," this is a great place to start developing you next kink. While fantasies are not always what we really want to occur in our real life, they are a window into areas of our desires. If you have not been fantasying, make it a goal to start. If you need inspiration, look for erotic stories, porn films, or other imagery which inspires your imagination. Spend some time alone thinking about the type of intimacy and sexual play you want.
If you have been fantasying, spend time looking at where your fantasies and what can be improved overlap. This is a good indication of the area(s) you may want to explore in the next year. For example, if you list "More foreplay" in areas to be improved and you have been fantasying about bondage, exploring forms of bondage which take a bit of time to carry out could be a great way to both improve something and explore a new kink.
Once you have a list of a few things you want to explore in the next year, look at your opportunities for growth. This could be you are single and looking to play with new partners; it could be a regional kink conference you want to go to this year; it may be accessing online classes as a way to explore a new idea.
Finally, you should spend a bit of time seeing which opportunities line up with the areas you want to explore. For example, if you want to explore the power exchange dynamic more intensely, look for classes, books, or online sources which discuss power exchange.
Can't You Just Give Me a List to Choose From?
Yes and no. I could provide a long list of kink and BDSM activities and tell you to close your eyes, point at the screen, and that is the one you should go for. However, kink and BDSM is much more individualized. What I can provide is a brief guide to figure out a general area to explore.
Obviously, there are many more options, but this is a good start.
I'm Really Bad with Decisions! Anything Easier?
Sure! This isn't really personalized, but it is quick and easy.