I'm Not a Killer Baby (yet)

The myth of "safer" sexual strangulation and choking

Let’s talk about choking. Specifically erotic choking and strangulation. This has become a “go-to” move for people under 35 when it comes to sex. Debby Herbernik’s research found that 67 percent of college women, 31 percent of college men, and 67 percent of trans and nonbinary folks had engaged in sexual choking in the past year. While death is a possible outcome of this behavior, increasingly journalists are covering it and including how-to’s while downplaying the actual risks.

What Are the Risks of Erotic Strangualtion/Choking?

The steep rise in participation in this high-risk sexual behavior has prompted increased research into the short and long-term impacts of sexual choking. The findings are concerning and often unreported or underplayed by journalists.

Brain Changes

When researchers look at brains of people who have been choked during sex with MRIs and fMRIs, and compare them to similar groups who have not been choked, they find changes in the brain. A study of 40 women, 20 who had been choked four or more times in the past 30 days and 20 who had not been choked found the choking group developed imbalances in the connectivity of parts of the brain. Another study looking at memory tasks between people who where frequently choked and those who had never been choked exhibited different levels of cognitive load to complete memory tasks. This means that the choked group had to use more energy and effort to remember things than people who had not been choked.

A history of sexual choking is also associated with poor mental health. One survey of undergraduates found that those who engaged in sexual choking reported more depression, anxiety, sadness, and loneliness than those who did not choke. While the causal direction for this relationship remains unclear at this time, the presence of poorer mental health among people who engage in this behavior is concerning.

A study looking at enzymes which indicate recent neural injury were found to be 5 times higher in women who had been recently choked than their peers who had not been.

Deaths Associated with Choking

Choking is not always a partnered activity. Recently, a large number of adolescence have been engaging in “the choking game.” This “game” became popular on social media platforms and encourages young people to choke themselves and friends to obtain a “high” from the lack of oxygen to the brain. There have been multiple documented fatalities due to this trend (12yo girl dies, UK mum dies).

Nonfatal strangulation (consensual or otherwise) is a known precursor to stroke and death. A review of the literature found that people who had been nonfatally strangled and with few or no external markers of damage, were more likely to experience a stroke and seizure in the days following the event.

Increasingly, we are seeing people charged with homicide arguing that they engaged in sexual choking and a partner accidentally died. One survey of these deaths found 15 cases where this defense was applied.

Promoting “Safer” Choking

With the steep rise in the practice, especially in younger people, journalists have rushed to publish pieces on this behavior and “safer” how-to methods. I have read more than two dozen of these pieces in the past month alone! Consistently the writer elides the actual dangers and then does 500 words or so on “safer” methods. These articles provide a false sense of safety in the behavior, especially for younger readers looking for information on how to strangle a partner in bed.

 Anyone with a clitoris who has had sex with a guy under 30 knows that a significant number cannot locate a tactile and visibly accessible structure in the anatomy. I have no confidence they can tell the difference between a tendon and vein in a neck.

The Myth of the Blood Choke

Many of the articles (not linked to because they contain bad or dangerous information) talk about a “blood choke” as safer than putting pressure on the trachea during erotic strangulation. Both methods deprive the brain of oxygen. It is the lack of oxygen which creates neurological damage and issues, regardless of how the oxygen is deprived.

Second, the “blood choke” requires that the person doing the choking have an intimate understanding of the structures in the neck. As the most frequent people reporting choking a partner are young men who choke women, I have serious concerns about their understanding of anatomy. Anyone with a clitoris who has had sex with a guy under 30 knows that a significant number cannot locate a tactile and visibly accessible structure in the anatomy. I have no confidence they can tell the difference between a tendon and vein in a neck.

Safe Words, Consent, and Other “Protections”

Most of the articles on “safer choking” encourage people to talk about the risks and develop a “safe word” or “gesture” when the person being choked is in distress. While a safe word or gesture may help indicate distress, it also relies on the person being choked to understand the risks of choking. Many of the women who were choked did not indicate they had a true understanding of the risks in this behavior. Additionally, the neural changes associated with frequent choking impact the visual, language, and motor cortex areas. The damage to these areas indicates that the person being choked may not be able to access a safe word or gesture as readily as needed.

Another issue with “safe words” is that there is perception among some people that using one makes them look weak or uncooperative. The social pressure on women to be cooperative and pliant to male partners is especially intense for younger heterosexual and bisexual women (the one’s most likely to be choked during sex). In an effort to seem like a “fun” or pliant partner, many younger women avoid using safe words and gestures to stop unpleasant behaviors during sex.

Non-strangulation Based Breath Play

People enjoy sexual choking for a number of different reasons: control, feeling submissive, the rush of oxygen back to the brain causing euphoria, and feeling “trendy.” The current research indicates that any pressure on the neck which reduces blood or oxygen flow to the brain is causing detrimental changes to the brain itself. At no point should a journalist be promoting “safer” strangulation and choking methods. It is simply unethical at this point.

People will continue to engage in breath play. So what are the alternatives?

Directed Breathing

If you want to engage in choking for control or submission reasons, consider directed breathing. One partner can direct the other to hold their breath. They can instruct a partner to hyperventilate. Both of these activities rely on the person restricting their own breathing. Holding the breath is similar to swimming and has not been shown to negatively affect the brain. Hyperventilating can cause someone to get a rush or feel euphoric without depriving the brain of oxygen.

French Inhale

For people who some or vape, a traditional French Inhale is a form of breath control. You can add instructing the more submissive partner to hold their breath prior to the inhalation to increase breath control. Again, none of this requires pressure on the neck.

When using vapes, cigarettes, or marijuana, there are inherent risks. These should be discussed prior to use with a partner and make sure they are okay with incorporating substances to sex. Additionally, marijuana creates an altered state of consciousness. Do not engage with sexual play while high until you are very familiar with how your body responds to this.

“Harm Reduction” Argument

Some reporters have framed these “how to” articles as a form of harm reduction. Their argument is that” kids will do this anyway, lets give them something less risky.” I argue that encouraging sexual strangulation under any circumstance is promoting a dangerous activity. So what would actual harm reduction look like?

Comprehensive Sex Ed

Teens and young adults are turning to pornography for sex education because there is such a dearth of it available through schools and families. Comprehensive sex education would go a ways to reducing the reliance on porn for this education. In the US, sex ed is controlled by the school districts. While the state may set standards, districts have some control over what is actually presented in classrooms. Ig you have a kid in school, get involved when the school board is discussing sex education. Advocate for comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education.

Lacking good options for school-based sex ed, parents need to talk to their kids about sex, relationships, and dating. These conversations are generally uncomfortable for everyone involved (I have a 13 year old nibbling and currently going through this). Coupling your talks with appropriate books and websites is a way to provide them with better sex ed. Need some recommendations? Check out my “Talking to Teens” booklist on Bookshop.org.

Talk to your kids about “porn logic.” Just like superhero movies, porn has created it’s own worlds and rules. It is not created for educational purposes. Consent conversations are almost never featured. Actors are trained and practiced in their activities. Many shots are for the camera and not for the enjoyment of the people in the scene. There are special effects, good lighting, and more. Help your child understand what they are seeing is no more real than Iron Man building his suit in a cave in Afghanistan from cooking implements.

Finally, have conversations with your older teens and young adults about why they might want to engage in different sexual behaviors. Getting to the root of what is driving their curiosity can help you redirect them from dangerous activities to truly safer options.

Bottom Line

Current research on the brain shows that restricting blood flow during sexual choking and strangulation causes concerning and negative changes to the brain itself. There is no “safer” way to engage in sexual choking at this time. Sexual choking (either solo or partnered) has resulted in documented deaths.

If you a journalist, you need to stop the “You could die but let’s put that aside and show you how to do this extremely dangerous activity” articles. Also, start thinking about who is reading this! Some 22 year old guy looking to “safely” strangle his girlfriend on Friday who also believes the female orgasm is a myth created by “woke” women is not going to care about the structures of the neck or watching for a safety gesture.