Updated: Aug 23, 2022
Want to have amazing sex, and I mean mind-blowingly good sex? Want your partners to think you are the best they have ever had? Want to walk away from any sexual encounter feeling better than you did before you had it? Want to make everyone you sleep with feel special and important? Want to be deeply satisfied? Then I have a sex tip for you.
I actually learned the secret to consistently amazing sex not, surprisingly, through reading about sex or relationships. I learned it in yoga class. No, you don’t have to be able to put your heels behind your head or achieve a full back bend. It is also not sleeping with your yoga instructor. You don’t have to be flexible, or strong, or thin.
The key to great sex is to be present.
The Power of Now
Ekhart Tolle released a book called The Power of Now. The crux of the book is that to have peace in your life and to be able to cope effectively, you need to be centered in the here and now. It sounds simple, but the practice can be very difficult. When you can achieve being fully present, it changes your world. Friends of my refer to the practices set forth in the book as “Jedi mind tricks” because of the power contained in their practice.
In yoga, you being your practice by centering yourself and breathing. You connect and focus on your breath. Start with slow, deep inhalations. Inhale and count to six. Pause. Exhale for five. Repeat. In through the nose, out through gently parted lips. Most yoga classes will start with simple breathing for several minutes to allow people to gain the focus they need and let the world fall away.
Focusing on just your breath, the simple inhalation-exhalation cycle, allows the rest of the world to fall away. You begin to feel your body in a new way. You become aware of your toes, feet, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, hips, back, belly, chest, neck and head. Try it. Sit quietly where ever you are reading this and breath in and out slowly. Pay attention to your body and forget about the surrounding distractions. As you do this, your body feels like it gains new life.
In yoga and in meditation practice, the idea is to keep your thoughts on your breathing and let the world fall away. You stop thinking about things like bills you have to pay, your errand list, what you are going to feed the kids for dinner, and the crappy thing your co-worker said to you in the break room. You calm your thoughts and as you do that, you calm your body. In yoga, you can engage in difficult positions and move through sun salutations all the while focusing on your breath.
People who practice yoga and mediation regularly (that includes me) report feeling happier and more at peace after they have engaged in their practice. Even a simple 15 minute mediation once a day can help people focus, become more clear in their thoughts, and more able to deal with stress. There are an increasing number of peer reviewed academic studies showing that regular meditation changes the brain and helps people cope with mental illnesses. There is power in being present.
Being In the Moment and Sex
Being fully present during a sexual encounter will change your encounter. If you can reach the point where you can focus only on what is currently happening, who it is happening with, and let the rest of your world and concerns fall away, sex becomes amazing and powerful.
It will make a difference not only for you but for your partners. Most of us have a running dialogue in our heads. Mine mainly consists of my tasks lists, composing new writing, and figuring out how I am going to pay bills next month. These running thoughts occupy our day and keep us from being fully present in any given moment. Even when we are paying some attention to our outside world and interacting with it, most people have a second (or third or fourth) line of thought going on internally.
We don’t normally notice that other people are disengaged with us. They will nod and respond to conversations all the while missing significant parts of the communication because they are partially paying attention to the thoughts in their head. It is only when you have been with someone fully present you notice a difference.
People think I have an amazing memory and read social cues well. The fact it, my memory is pretty average. The difference is, when I engage in conversations I am fully present. I actually hear what people say and watch their body language. It is not some inherent gift I have. It is a dedication to being present for others.
In sex, it is the same thing. During a sexual encounter, I am fully in the moment. I don’t have distracting thoughts. I can listen to my breathing, my partner’s breathing, any words or exclamations, feel my full body and theirs. I am not worried about getting to an appointment or finishing before Real Dance Mom Horders of Beverly Hills comes on. I am not making a grocery list or composing my next blog entry. I am not texting or posting to Facebook. I am there with my partner, for my partner, engaging in one single thing. You can’t multitask and be good in bed at the same time.
How Do You Get Present
This is actually really hard for a lot of people. We are occupied by the myriad of things going on in our lives. We all have worries, concerns, and obligations that creep in regardless of what we do. It takes practice to be able to be fully present. Below are a few basic tips.
1. Commit to being present.
You do not accidentally become present. You have to make the active decision that you are going to focus on the moment and live in the now. This means recognizing that when distracting thoughts come in, you let them float by and refocus. Some thoughts may need to be consciously acknowledge. If, for instance, you are having a nooner, you may glance at the clock to note the time. You can do this, then refocus on your partner. If you start thinking, “Oh no! I have to finish in 10 minutes,” and then become obsessed with the time you will pull yourself out of being present. If time is an issue, set an alarm and forget about it until it goes off.
The point of being in the moment is to be able to fully experience what is happening. Focus on you and your partner(s). By choosing to think about what is happening in the moment, you can begin to push out all the intrusive thoughts we all have.
3. Get Over Yourself
When it comes to sex, most of us carry a lot of baggage. We worry that we are not attractive, or that we are unskilled, or that the other person will have had sex with people better then us, or that we are scared/angry/vulnerable or whatever. You may be the most attractive person your partner has ever been with, you may not. You may be the most experienced sexually, you may not. We all have insecurities when it comes to sex.
If you are worried about these things, you are not in the moment. For example, I read one article in a woman’s magazine on “How to Prevent Breast Creep” during sex. Really???? Seriously!!??!! The entire thing was about ways to position yourself to prevent your breasts from creeping into your armpits while you have sex. This is the most absurd concern I have ever seen given 500 words in print!
Think about it. If you are trying to remember their recommendations for how to make your breasts look super perky, you are going to be focused on where to hold your arms or what position best keeps your nipples away from your elbows, not what is actually going on in the encounter. I have DDs. They are all over during sex unless they have been bound into place. If I am riding on top, I risk giving myself a black eye during particularly raucous moments. I have learned not to care. I am having fun, my partner is having fun. My 41 year old DDs can do what they damn well please.
You have to be able to let go of your body insecurities to be fully present. Worrying about your less-than-flat stomach, your chubby thighs, your four-inch cock, or your dimpled butt is only going to distract from the moment. Remember, your partner(s) have chosen to be there with you. They are there because they want to have sex with you. They have already decided you are sexually attractive. If they think you are unattractive and are sleeping with you, that is another issue. If they are there voluntarily and not under duress,they are okay with your body. You need to work on being okay with it too.
Your breath can help you focus. When you find yourself getting tied up in your thoughts, refocus on your breath. It doesn’t have to be the deep, slow breathing of yoga or mediation. It can be heavy panting. Your breath can help you focus and draw you back into the moment.
Being present sounds simple enough. It takes time and practice to get and say present. However, I guarantee if you work on it and become present during sex, it will level up ten-fold. I recently started sleeping with a new partner. His former partners are ridiculously beautiful women. Seriously, they are model-thin, stunning faces, and asses that I would eat on a first date beautiful. I am far from being the most attractive person he has slept with. I am also not necessarily more experienced than any of the other women he has slept with. We have only had sex a few times, but his feedback that I am bomb-ass amazing in bed. I don’t think it has anything to do with my skill level and I know it isn’t my rocking bod. I am fully present. I am there for him and for me. And its true, the sex is amazing.