#psychology

Love letters to a unicorn is a blog covering kink, power exchange, and sex from the perspective of a submissive or bottom. It provides sex toy reviews and a vetted list of resources as well.

One Question Every Submissive Needs to Answer

Rebecca Blanton

Feb 21, 2022
2 min

One Question Every Submissive Needs to Answer

When I am on my knees, looking up at my Dom, waiting on his command, I am in complete bliss. There is something wonderful and liberating about sexual submission. The freedom, the deep trust, the connection I feel in this moment is unparalleled. I know I am not alone in this. I have one question for every person exploring submission I talk to about their practice: Why? Why do you submit? Yes, it can be thrilling and freeing. It can meet your needs to let go of responsibility.

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Rebecca Blanton

Jul 16, 2021
7 min

How Do You Create an Aftercare Plan?

Aftercare is a frequently mentioned idea in kink/BDSM classes and touted as “important” for safe, sane, and consensual play. Most of the time, class instructors will say to “make an aftercare plan” and mention things like blankets, snuggles and food. However, figuring out what aftercare plan works for you is rarely discussed! Further, many instructors fail to mention any type of aftercare for D-types. So, how do you figure out what aftercare you and your partner(s) need? How

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Rebecca Blanton

Oct 5, 2019
5 min

Pain and Presence

There are different theories on how people “should” deal with pain. Some folks argue for being present with the pain. Some argue for focusing on other things and divorcing oneself from the pain. Some argue that you should use visualization to give your pain meaning. I don’t believe there is a right way to respond to pain. Nor do I believe in “shoulds” for the most part when talking BDSM. What I do know is I have spent years experimenting with how pain is understood and experi

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Rebecca Blanton

Jul 12, 2018
5 min

Sexual Healing (part 2)

When I was in one of my basic psychology courses in undergrad, the professor described sublimation with the following example. Say you have someone who really likes to hit and beat up people. This is not an acceptable impulse in most of society. So he chooses to pursue a career as a professional boxer. He takes his desire to be violent and to hit people and sublimates that desire by channeling it into a professional career. We can’t really talk about BDSM/kink and healing wit

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Rebecca Blanton

Jun 27, 2018
5 min

Sexual Healing (part 1)

The theme of healing through kink has come up repeatedly in both my reading and real life a lot lately. For me, this is a touchy subject. I know from first hand experience BDSM can be very healing. I have also seen too many people try to sublimate issues or repress feelings through sex leading to very unhealthy outcomes. Many people find engaging in kink and BDSM to be healing. It is. When practiced well, BDSM prioritizes connection, care, and respect. For many of us, incorpo

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Rebecca Blanton

Jun 6, 2018
3 min

Want to Feel More Beautiful? Try This!

Most of us, whatever our gender, whatever our sexual orientation, do not love our bodies. Or, we do not love our bodies most of the time. I have been working on a series of interviews for my new podcast (Fat Chicks On Top) with a wide variety of folks about their bodies and their relationships with their bodies. Universally people have expressed frustration or discomfort with some aspect of their own body– even folks most of us would describe as sexy and self-assured. The oth

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Rebecca Blanton

May 8, 2017
3 min

Agender – What does that mean?

I find being agender weird. Most days, really about 98 percent of the time, I could care less about my gender. I am a feminist for political reasons and not because I am deeply attached to some notion of my “womanhood.” But there are moments, those days when my body is in conflict with everything I feel I am and the dysphoria is horrible. Now, I have never “liked” my body. I generally see it as an asshole I have to live with (literally and figuratively, of course). It has a h

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Rebecca Blanton

Mar 8, 2017
3 min

In Praise of “Just a Phase”

We are living in an age where certainty is demanded. Any time someone changes their mind or expresses any level of uncertainty, people pounce. Politicians are called “flip-floppers,” public figures are vilified, and individuals are called “weak,” or “uncommitted” or “dumb.” This demand for certainty is both ridiculous and detrimental. In terms of gender and sexuality, certainty is a killer. We have moved to a point were culturally we expect someone to know who they are and wh

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What 2016 Can Teach You About Relationships

Rebecca Blanton

Dec 29, 2016
5 min

What 2016 Can Teach You About Relationships

By most accounts, unless you are a rape-y cheeto with narcissistic personality disorder, this was a shit year. People are hoping 2017 will be better but most of us are skeptical. Most of you also are wondering how the heck I am going to link this crap-ass year to relationships. People are being overwhelmingly negative about 2016 on the web. Negativity can overwhelm us. Our brains are biologically programmed to look for the negative and hold on to it more because 10,000 years

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Rebecca Blanton

Sep 12, 2016
4 min

On Certainty

At some point in the last decade culture in the United States started demanding that people be certain about everything. We collectively lost the capacity to allow grey areas, to question our believes and understandings, and to change. I noticed this first in the political world. The parties stopped negotiating and became set in the quicksand of political certainty. When I started in politics 25 years ago, elected would negotiate, would reach across party lines to do good wor

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Do It For the Children! Media Representation

Rebecca Blanton

Aug 17, 2016
5 min

Do It For the Children! Media Representation

What is portrayed in the popular media makes a big difference. Not a profound statement, but most people- even those who agree- often don’t wonder how big of an impression popular media has on our self conception. SOME STATS Forensic science, like most science fields used to be dominated by men. In the past 15 years however, women have taken over this field to the amazing statistic of 90 percent of grad students in 2009 were women. A statistic that is not even close to any o

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Rebecca Blanton

Aug 2, 2016
5 min

D-types and Mental Illness

After teaching my class “Power Exchange and Mental Illness” several times and corresponding with folks online who have read my writing about mental illness and BDSM, I have noticed most people assume that it is the submissive/slave/bottom who would be mentally ill. Statistically, this is incorrect. People on all parts of the BDSM spectrum experience mental illness. While this blog is dedicated to the submissive side of the lifestyle, I want to address the issues of D-types wi

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Rebecca Blanton

Apr 25, 2016
3 min

Am I Doing this Right????

Its the most common question I see of new kinksters, “Am I doing this right?” It comes in several versions, “I think I am a Domme, but I am not sure I have the stuff to top,” or “I am a woman, I am supposed to be submissive, right?” or “Maybe I just haven’t found the right partner, but what I am doing doesn’t seem to quite fit me.” First, there is no one way to do kink right. Kink is a journey. It requires time, experimentation, growth, and mistakes. It requires reading, and

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Rebecca Blanton

Apr 3, 2016
5 min

On Virtue and Vice

8? 25? 105? 300? 1,023? Is there such a thing as having too many sexual partners? Are you a sex addict? Is sex your vice? Is sex a hindrance to a loving relationship? Is it a good thing to be very sexually experienced? I have the pleasure of talking to a lot of people about their sex lives. Questions about how many partners is too many and is there an issue if you have only had a few partners are regular topics of conversation. People worry about how much sex they are hav

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Rebecca Blanton

Feb 18, 2016
6 min

In Sickness and In Health…

I have been away from this blog for a couple of weeks due to illness. For two and a half years I have been trying to get some chronic condition diagnosed. That is a seemingly impossible task. I don’t have an obvious “Top 10” condition, so Western medicine can’t really help since diagnosis is not a skill any practitioners seem to have these days. Rather than rant about the utter horror show that is American medicine, I want to talk about being sick in a relationship. This issu

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Rebecca Blanton

Dec 10, 2015
5 min

Is Sex Always Part of BDSM?

I have had a bunch of conversations lately about incorporating sex into BDSM play. Some people have to have both in a session, others do not. The key issue, it appears, is head space. BDSM play, for many people, requires getting into a particular head space. What I mean by this, is there is something psychological you have to tap into in order to be ready to engage in a BDSM scene. Most BDSM play is not something that occurs on the spot with no planning. I don’t anyone (not t

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Rebecca Blanton

Oct 29, 2015
7 min

The ‘Woo’ of Kink

My last post about sub space got a flood of responses. Most of the 3,000+ people who replied here and on Fetlife were very complimentary. I appreciate the kind words. A few folks sent me links to articles which link sub space to a simple norepinephrine (aka adrenaline) release. The most popular article people sent me a link too was one of the Frisky Business Boutique blog. The article begins with a disclaimer that the person is not a medial professional but they checked with

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Rebecca Blanton

Oct 22, 2015
6 min

Born This Way?

There is a local comedian in Sacramento who does a great joke. She starts with the premise that her parents used to spank her. Now, she is into weird sex, so, she wins! [If you get a chance to see Jaclyn Wieland, do it. She is really funny.] I love the joke. Its well crafted and well delivered. However, it does beg the question, are kinky people born or are they made? This is a complex question. There are many, many types of kinky folks and people discover kink for a myriad o

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Rebecca Blanton

Sep 8, 2015
6 min

To Be “Real”

You Got To Be Real – Cheryl Lynn (1978) There are few things in English I hate more than the insistence of modifying a social construct with the term “real” (e.g., “real woman” or “real man”). Every time I see this, be it with gender, sexual orientation, race, or kink, I chafe. Adding “real” to a social construct attaches a judgment and valuation to whatever concept is being modified. “Real” is used to discriminate, to devalue, and to excise someone from a group. The Rise of

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