Fawn Response: When "Yes" Isn't Really "Yes"

Are you a people pleaser? Do you find yourself saying “yes” when you really want to say “no” Do you believe your worth comes from helping others even when it is a detriment to yourself? Do you worry saying “no” to someone you love will make them leave you? You are experiencing fawning.

Fawning is an adaptive response to growing up where people who are supposed to love and protect you make your safety conditional. When your caregivers withdraw or deny you care and safety if you upset them, fawning becomes a form of self-protection. You learn to say yes and do things you don’t want to do in order to stay safe. Fawning helped you survive as a child.

When you become an adult who has developed a fawn response to survive, it doesn’t just go away when you are in a healthy relationship. Most people continue to engage in fawning because they know it keeps them safe. Your body and brain tell you that you must agree with a partner. It can feel dangerous or impossible to say no even when you want to.

If you have a partner who has a fawn response it may look like they enjoy everything you suggest. You don’t get any pushback to plans, suggestions, or behaviors. They appear to have few or no boundaries. They accept whatever behavior you exhibit. They may seem particularly agreeable and easy-going.

If a partner never says no and never sets boundaries, this should be understood as a sign they may be fawning. Because fawning is a learned survival technique it may be reflexive to the person and they may not notice they are doing this.

Fawning in BDSM

Understanding how to spot, address, and navigate a fawn response in BDSM is critical for ethical play. Fawning often shows up in people who assume a submissive role, but it is not exclusive to this side of the slash. Dominants and switches may also exhibit fawning in a relationship.

The fawn response presents a danger in BDSM because the player will have few or no boundaries. This may present as someone who appears to agree to all the same boundaries and limits as their partner but does not have any unique, personal boundaries. They may initially indicate some limits in play but never seek to enforce them. They may agree to do things when their whole body screams, “DON’T!”

Many of us who are more experienced will recount a newbie who will say things like, “I want to try everything!” or “I don’t really have any hard limits.” This is not a fawn response. This is newbie frenzy. It is common for people who discover the world of BDSM and want to do all the things with all the people. It is a normal part of the learning curve. Fawning is a learned response as a result of trauma and is not extinguished with education and time in scene, unlike newbie frenzy.

The fawn response may also present as excessive guilt or apologizing to a partner after a boundary is attempted. For example, if the Dominant has a fawn response and the submissive is asking them for play which the D-type does not want to engage in and they hesitate in play or say, “Not today,” this may be followed by copious apologies or a push to try the play soon after the session.

Kink play is rooted in consent. Consent means that the player wants to engage in an activity (even if they are a bit hesitant). The player also feels they are free to say no to activities which they do not want to engage. Fawning undermines kink because the person experiencing it believes that if they say “no”- even when they really want to- they will be harmed or abandon by a partner. This means their “yes” is not a truly consensual “yes.”

Naming the Behavior

Naming the behavior is the first step in addressing the fawn response. If you know you are prone to this reaction, letting partners know about it is a necessary part of the consent conversation. Disclosing this response is part of making your partner aware of behaviors which may undermine a consent-based interaction.

If you are a partner who notices you never get pushback or your partner lacks boundaries, having a conversation about fawning is important. Many people who experience trauma as children are unaware they have developed this response. Some of us are even unaware what we went through is traumatic. Pointing out a partner’s lack of boundaries and pushback can help you both begin to unearth why this is the case. It may not be a true fawn response. It may just be newbie frenzy. Regardless of the reason for few boundaries, the issue needs to be discussed.

Unlearning the Fawn Response

If you have a partner who fawns, it is important they learn they can say no to you without negative consequences. Keep in mind, to someone with a strong fawn response, saying no is not only difficult, it can cause physical distress. Their body remembers the consequences for pushback in childhood and will send out SOS signals at the mere thought of saying no.

Like most kink play, working to unlearn a response and learn to trust a partner, start small and go slow. Here are a few activities to integrate into play to help a fawning partner learn to say “no” without feeling panic.

Body Check-In

Before negotiating a scene or power dynamic, have both partners do a body scan meditation (free one here). Get in touch with where there is tension, where you feel relaxed, and what your gut is telling you.

Once you both have completed the body scan meditation, begin taking about an activity or power exchange dynamic. Before either of you say “yes” to an activity, check in with your own bodies. Has anything shifted? Is there new tension? What does your gut say? Talk about these feelings before agreeing or refusing an activity.

Three ‘No’s’ and a ‘Yes’

For someone who fawns, saying ‘no’ is the problem. Three ‘no’s’ and a ‘yes’ activities force them to practice saying no. Start with something not sexually related, for example, snacks. The fawning partner is presented with four snacks. They must say no to three before accepting the final offer.

To make this easier at the beginning, the non-fawning partner presents three snacks which are easy to say no to for the person. For example, my ex-wife was not a fan of healthy snacks. Presenting kale chips, seaweed snacks, and baby carrots before giving her something she liked (cheese) would make rejecting the first three easier.

Repeating this exercise over time and increasing the desirability of the snacks builds the ability to say, “no.” It is important that the non-fawning partner in this exercise be totally okay with a person saying “no.” People who fawn tend to be hyper-attuned to behaviors and body language of others. Any tension or change in the non-fawning partner is likely to be noticed and prompt a reaction. Again, this is why a non-kink related choice is best to begin with.

Over time, the fawning partner will learn to trust the other partner. They learn that saying “no” will not be met with anger, withdrawal, or harm. Slowly, the fawn response will recede and allow a more consensual partnership.

Joint Journaling

People who fawn have a hard time expressing discontent to a partner. A joint journal is an option to communicate more openly about these feelings. A joint journal may be a physical journal, a shared online document, or even audio files. The fawning partner journals about what they are feeling with the understanding that the non-fawning partner can read their journal at some point.

Depending on the person, the non-fawning partner may want to give them journal prompts or ask them to process their scenes and relationships in the journal. This will allow the fawning partner to write (or record) what they are feeling without having their partner there at the time. It provides a level of freedom to express their feelings a face-to-face conversation may not allow.

The non-fawning partner can leave comments or questions in the journal as a response to entries. These responses should be open-ended, affirming, and offer the fawning party to response openly about their feelings.

The asynchronous communication method means the fawning partner does not have to be attuned to the emotions and reactions of their partner. This attunement can lead a fawning partner to shut down and fawn. Writing or recording journal statements in private eliminates this trigger.

Take-Aways

For a healthy, consent-based kink relationship, both parties must feel safe saying no to things they don’t want to do. Diminishing a fawn response in a partner will help establish this type of relationship. If your partner fawns, they need to know they can say no and you will not abandon them, get angry, or harm them. The more open and kind you are to the “no’s” the more your partner can trust you.

For those who fawn, there is no need to feel shame over this. This response kept you alive as a child. It is a survival skill. In a healthy adult relationship this skill is no longer needed. Your body and brain does not immediately know you are safe. It takes time and work to reduce or eliminate this reaction. The good news is, with time and practice you can engage in healthy, consensual, fulfilling relationships.

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I want to thank Midori and Mx. Bliss for prompting me to write more extensively about the fawn response in BDSM. We chatted at a recent event about the issues of fawning in BDSM and how it impacts consent.