Updated: Aug 22
BDSM and power exchange is often portrayed as something which exists as something in the bedroom. Yes, a large part of people’s dynamics and play can revolve around sexuality and kink play. However, taking your dynamic and play outside of the bedroom can increase your intimacy and connection with a partner.
When expanding your dynamic outside of private quarters, make sure you discuss boundaries and limits. Depending on your job, your family, and your social life, how much control people have of their time, actions, and image will be important. If your extended family is not aware of your dynamic, finding ways to expand it which will not tip off granny to what is going on will be important. If you need to be fully present for meetings at work, you will need to negotiate about when and how to contact a partner.
If you are looking to expand your dynamic, try a few of these ideas.
Expand the Use of Honorifics
Calling a partner Sir, Master, or Mistress in a kink scene can make a submissive connected to both their partner and the dynamic. If you enjoy honorifics, negotiate using these outside of a scene. Calling your partner Sir, Ma’am, or other honorific in public can continue the dynamic outside your private play and deepen the connection.
Negotiate Clothing Choices
While your D-type may not be into choosing an outfit every day, choosing a single piece of clothing or establishing a rotating schedule of clothing options can expand the dynamic. You may want to start simply with the D-Type choosing the color of your underwear every day (or style of underwear).
An alternative is to make a game of it. Get a die and assign a color or style to each number. Every morning the submissive roles the die to get color or style. Then once they have put on the undergarments, they present themselves to the D-type (or text a picture of them and and die). This creates an ongoing connection and reinforcement of the dynamic without being onerous to do or enforce.
Journaling is a great way to explore your needs and desires. It can help you clarify what you want from submission. It can also help a dominant get to know you better. Try setting up a shared journaling document (or buy a journal your D-type is allowed to read). Your D-type can assign prompts or subject matter for you to write about and then read it. This asynchronous communication style coupled with the time you have to think about what you put on the page will increase communication and self-understanding.
This is a simple way to expand your dynamic into the public sphere without tipping off other people as to what is going on between you and a D-type. There are a couple of versions of this.
A. The dominant requires the submissive to take care of their drink needs in public. This can be ordering and bringing them coffee or tea when they go out to a cafe, it can be making sure their drink is always filled and flagging down wait staff when it is time to refill, or other such behavior to make sure your D-type is well hydrated.
B. The dominant assumes control of ordering a drink for the s-type. Of course, you will need to make sure your dominant is aware of any allergies, temperature sensitivities, and other issues of consumption when you negotiate this control. Once negotiated, the s-type gives over control of what they drink when they go out. The dominant is responsible for ordering them a drink. This allows for ways to show care (ordering a large lemonade on a hot day), silliness (ordering a spicy margarita when he knows you have a low spice tolerance), or way to push a submissive’s limits (ordering a black coffee when the D-type knows you usually take it with cream and 4 sugars).
While you are away from your D-type, whether this is just during the work hours, on travel, or you don’t live together, the D-type may text a command that the s-type has to follow. You will need to negotiate parameters around how long you have to respond, if you can delay for work or other reasons, what is off limits, and so on.
Once you have negotiated the parameters, the D-type then has the option of texting commands at will. This might be something as simple as asking for a selfie in the middle of the day to directing the submissive to masturbate and send them a video of the act. This type of long-distance command and response deepens the dynamic and reminds both people of the relationship throughout the day.
Wearable Remote Control Devices
The world of app and remote control sex toys has exploded in the past few years. From cock rings to butt plugs, to clit ticklers, there is a toy with an app for that. Some of my favorites are by Satisfyer, and can be seen in my review section.
An s-type can be instructed to wear a device to dinner, or on a date, or a long car ride and the D-type can control it with their phone through an application. This will allow the D-type to buzz in and remind the s-type who is in control at any time. With the new app run toys, you do not even have to be in the same room or state as your D-type to use these toys!
Make sure to negotiate when you are willing to wear it and when your partner can turn it on! You may not want to get buzzed in the middle of your weekly staff meeting, then again you might. Make sure your D-type is aware of the limitations.
If you are a service-based submissive, service can be anything. It is not exclusively sexual or physical. Negotiate your D-type giving you chores, or assignments, or asking you to do research for them. Put their files in order, create a database of new clients, pick up their medication, or get them groceries. All of these can be a form of service if they ask you to do it as part of the dynamic!
If you want more ideas on how to expand your dynamic, join me May 2 online, through Wicked Grounds for BDSM Beyond the Bedroom.