Updated: Aug 22
One of my favorite scenes from a movie is the therapy scene in the beginning of The Ref. Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey are in couples therapy and BD Wong is the therapist. At one point, Judy Davis’ is asked about their sex life. She replies:
A couple of kisses. A couple of nipple twists. It would all be over in the time it takes to make a cappuccino. I know because I timed it once. ~ The Ref
I love it because that rings true for anyone who has gotten into a sex rut. Sex ruts happen to all of us! It doesn’t matter what kinks we are into, how often we are having sex, and how wild we can be. Everyone gets into sex ruts.
What is a Sex Rut?
When I talk about a rut, I mean your sex life have become predictable and mundane. It may be defaulting to morning sex in the same position twice a week or the same bondage and impact routine twice a month. Whatever your go-to sex is, you start repeating it without much thought. It’s not that the sex gets bad. It can be good sex. It is more that it is predictable and a bit boring.
Why Do People Get Stuck in a Rut?
There are lots of reasons people get stuck in sex ruts. It takes time and energy to plan out new and different approaches to sexy time. We all reach points in our lives where we have very little extra energy to learn about new sexaul play or plan eleborate scenes. Everything from stressful times at work, to never getting a break from the kids because they are being home-schooled, to being physically exhausted can limit the energy we have to plan for sex.
Sometimes we get into a rut because we stop prioritizing sex. When we get into a long-term relationships we tend to settle into a routine, including a routine sex life. Unlike the early parts of a relationship, years into an established relationship we stop putting in the same energy and priority to our sex lives. We get tired of making waxing appointments, practicing our yoga for rope positions, and buying sexy outfits. We can let our sex lives go on autopilot like we do our dinner choices and our date nights.
Ruts can also establish themselves because we have found a series of sexual behaviors which consistently work to get us what we need. We learn our partner’s erotic rubic cube of touches and activities that will result in a satisfying orgasm so we keep going back to the tried and true.
To repeat, sex in a rut isn’t necessarily bad sex. Its just predictable and not very exciting sex.
5 Tips to Break Your Sexual Rut
Prioritize Sex. Treat your sex life like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Remember being excited for a date with your partner? You would groom for sex. You would change the sheets, set out candles, perfume yourself, and pick out the right pair of panties (or leave them in the dresser). While dinner, a movie or theater, and other aspects of the date were important, sex was a key thing you looked forward too. Go back to that! Start making sex a priority of couples time again. Prepare for it. Plan for it. Get excited about it again!
Put it on the Calendar. I know, the thought of putting sex on your Google Calendar is not sexy. The first time I suggested this to my current partner he balked at the concept. “Sex from 6 to 8 PM on Thursday, repeat weekly for 30 weeks” as a calendar entry feels weird. HOWEVER, putting it on the calendar can get you to treat sex like you would other meetings. You will realize you may need to prepare for it! You may not need to do a PowerPoint presentation (you may, I don’t know what you are into), but you may need to get a babysitter. Or, you may need to get a waxing appointment, or buy new underwear, or change the sheets. It will help prioritize sex and carve out time for you and a partner.
Commit to Trying Something New. The great thing about sex is that there are literally millions of things to try! Make a commitment to try something new with your partner. Take a class together on a specific kink. Shop and buy a new sex toy together. Learn to tie a few knots and give a bit of bondage a go. Whatever your interests are, commit to trying something new.
Masturbate. Many of us who are coupled let our own masturbation practices go by the wayside. Or, like our sex life, our mastubation gets into a rut. Reinvest in your own self pleasure. Work on developing new fantasies or finding new porn to watch or read. Try new masturbation techniques. Pay attention to what is really working to turn you on and then communicate that to your partner.
Talk to Your Partner About the Rut. Bring up your concerns about being in a rut to your partner. Let them know that while the sex may still be really fun and effective, you are ready to try something new and break up a rut. They may or may not have noticed the rut themselves. Talk to them about how they see your sex life. It may be as simple of letting your partner know you feel the sex has become routine to get them to switch it up. It may open a conversation about what new things you want to try together. They may give you some really fun ideas about what to do to shake things up.
Good luck shaking it up! Stay Kinky!