With shelter in place orders dragging on more folks are trying sexting and sexy video chatting as an alternative to in-person hook-ups. The problem is that most of us feel uncomfortable when we start trying to be sexy in a new medium. Like teenage flirting awkward.
So, what can you do to make these things less awkward and awesome? Here are six tips.
If you are new to sexy talk or video chat, it can be difficult to know where to start. Avoid the desire to cut to the “big stuff” up front as a way to push past the fear of trying something new. Sexting and video chats should be treated similarly to your usual sexy time style. If you enjoy kissing and petting, start there. If you put a collar on a submissive/receive a collar, start there. Whatever your typical way of initiating sex, start there.
If you are texting, something along the lines of, “I want you to open the door and I see you wearing black panties and nothing else,” or “I pin your hands behind your back with my hand and kiss your neck,” is a way to ease into the conversation.
If you are on video chat, you can start to describe what you want your partner to do to initiate sex. If you enjoy giving commands/taking commands starting with something like, “Lay on your bed,” or “Put your camera on the dresser so I can watch you,” is a hot way to get your partner into a better space to have sexy time than, “I want to stick my dick in your mouth.”
Set the Mood for Yourself
Setting up your room (whatever room you are in) similarly to how it would be if you were having sex with the person you are chatting with can help get you in the mood. If you lower the lights, light candles or incense, or wear special outfits, doing this before online sexy time can help put yourself into the mood. Some people enjoy being in the bathtub. If this is the case, make sure your phone is protected!
Whether you are enjoying a video chat or sexting, make sure your basic grooming is done. Right now, a lot of folks have gotten lax with shaving, styling their hair, or doing make-up. If you are video chatting your partner will be seeing you. It probably doesn’t matter you haven’t cut or dyed your hair in a while. It will matter if you haven’t combed it all day! If your partner enjoys looking at your bits and pieces, making sure it is groomed to meet your general sexy time standards is also important. Even when you are sexting, if your partner asks you to send a photo, you don’t want a 30 minute delay while you crack out a razor and brush!
Work on Your Vocabulary
Most of us have a very limited sexual vocabulary. If you can only describe your bits as “moist” and “throbbing” your online sexy time will be less than satisfying. Before you start, think about the different things you call your body parts and sex acts. It can help to make a short list for different parts and acts so you have them at your fingertips when you need them!
If you need more words, search “[word] + synonym’ in your search engine. Having lots of different terms to use can be fun and helpful! Reading erotica is also useful. There are lots of great erotica blogs out there and hundreds of thousands of online erotic romances (I have written a ton of those!).
This may be the first time you are talking to your partner(s) about their preferred terms for their kibble and bits. People tend to have very specific terms they like or dislike. Some folks love it when their partner calls their dick a cock. Others hate it! Same with the word pussy. And moist. Don’t get me started about feelings around the word ‘moist’!!! Asking what they like to use is very helpful and can be enlightening.
While we are on the subject. some folks like very explicit language during sexy talk others prefer less direct terms. Saying or texting something like, “I want to stick this throbbing cock into your tight little asshole!” can be sexy to some. To others, this can be a real turn off. If your partner seems to be less than receptive after some texts or statements, check to see if they feel the language is too explicit or “gross.” On the other hand, if you are being vague, “I want to touch you gently until you get excited,” and your partner isn’t getting turned on, they may want more specific language. Its okay to ask!
This can be a great time to explore fantasies you haven’t talked about with your partner. While you are on video chat or text, you can start to incorporate aspects of sex you want to try into the conversation. For example, if you want to be spanked and you have never asked your partner to do this texting, “I get on my knees to eat you out. My buns are off to the side, high up in the air. You use your hand to start to spank my firm, round cheek.” This can introduce the idea of spanking or impact play without making the introduction all formal and uncomfortable. After the chat- at some later point- asking how your partner felt about the spanking in the sext can open a conversation for new and exciting play!
Consent is Still Required
Even though you are not in the same physical space as your partner(s) you still need to respect consent and boundaries! If someone is uncomfortable with the line of conversation and wants to redirect, stop talking about what is making them uncomfortable. If your partner(s) don’t want to sext or video chat, respect that. Not being in the same room does not absolve you from respecting your partner’s limits.
Have some sexy fun!!