Turn Your Kitchen Into Kink Central!
Updated: Aug 22, 2022
Pervertables – items intended for non-kinky purposes used for kink play – are some of my favorite toys! I love incorporating everyday items into fun things for sexy play. I love shopping at Home Depot or Michael’s Arts and Crafts all innocent and “crafty soccer mom” looking in my yoga pants knowing the items I am picking up will be used in very NSFW way. They also appeal to the crafter in me (which is also how I have referred to more than one date while being fisted).
First things first! Safety is key to working with pervertibles. Since these items are not intended to sexual play (most not meant to be used on the body in any way) you need to keep safety in mind when selecting items. Here are a few things to consider.
What is the Item Made From
Natural materials like wood, leather, or metals can be a good bet. These items, while generally treated with chemicals or other materials, will be less likely to leech dangerous chemicals while being used for play. They are also less likely to cause an allergic reaction than many man-made materials.
Plastic, silicone, and other synthetic materials can be used safely. If they are not inserted into orifices the chance of leeching chemicals is low. Keep in mind, silicone items not marked “body safe” or “medical grade” may be cured differently and are not the same as “medical grade silicone.”
Regardless of what they are made out of, pervertibles may cause some type of allergic reaction Most likely if any reaction occurs it will be contact dermatitis. Generally a Benydryl cream or cortisone cream will quickly reduce any redness and itchiness which may occur.
Wooden, bamboo, rattan or other natural materials used for impact play can splinter if you hit too hard (speaking from experience on the receiving end). At the worst, when these items break and splinter, the person on the receiving end may get a splinter. Having a pair of tweezers and a little bactine or triple antibiotic cream such as Neosporin will quickly resolve any issues.
It is important to have a basic safety kit on hand when using pervertibles (as it is with any kink play). This should include the following:
Antibiotic spray or ointment
Needle nose tweezers
Benydryl (for any severe allergic reaction)
Asprin or Tylenol
You don’t have to buy specific items to be pervertables. However, cleanliness is especially important. I like to run any potential pervertable through the hot cycle on the dishwasher if possible. If not, using a common household disinfectant (90% or 70% isopropol alcohol, disinfectant sprays, toy cleaner purchased at a reputable adult store or online) is a good call.
I also like to prepare a few types of toys. If you are using wooden kitchen utensils, sanding them with a 0 grade sandpaper or steel wool helps remove any surface splinters prior to use. If using a belt (especially if you have been wearing it) wiping it down with a good leather cleaner to remove sweat and surface grim is a good idea.
If you are going to insert a pervertable, there are several precautions to keep in mind.
ANYTHING INSERTED INTO THE BUTT NEEDS A BIG BASE. I cannot stress this enough!!! People love sticking things in butts. Your butt, once it is warmed up, is a greedy little fucker. It will gobble up anything you put into it, so the base of anything you put in the booty needs to have a base big enough not to be sucked up into you (or a partner). You DO NOT want to end up on this list.
If you are inserting something into a vagina, make sure it will not suction to a cervix. A while back there was the “wine bottle challenge” on Fetlife. There were also several occasions of people going to the ER with a bottle of Two Buck Chuck suctioned to their cervix. Just make sure the end of the bottles are plugged with corks.
If you are using food items, it is a good idea to peel the vegetable or whatever before sticking it anywhere. The skins of vegetables and fruits are more likely to contain things which can cause allergic reactions. Also, wrap up the zucchini, carrot or butternut squash prior to shoving it anywhere. When done, remember to was the area you put the food thoroughly with mild soap and water. I have heard too many horror stories of folks going into the GYN with a raging vaginal infection to discover a piece of food was left behind after some play. YIKES!
Using condoms over pervertables is a good idea. They provide protection from all the nasty little germs and bacteria which may be on whatever you are sticking in your holes. Condoms come in a huge variety of sizes, and unlike penises, how tight the condom is at the base will not impact performance of an insertable.
So now we get to the part you really clicked on the link to see- what can you pervert for your sexy fun!
*** BONDAGE OPTIONS***
There are so many things lying around the average home with which to tie up someone! Ties, bathrobe belts, belts, and scarves are good options from your closet. Clothesline, paracord, rope from the hardware store and that bag of unused cords you are afraid to throw out but haven’t used in the last three years work really well. Remember, these items are not meant to restrain a person so knots may be very difficult to untie. This is why I recommend having safety scissors around.
Just about anything can be used for impact (should is a whole different question).
Shoes- especially flip flops (chanklas if you grew up in CA) and house shoes – make especially effective spanking toys. Keep in mind these can sometimes carry the trauma of being hit at a child for some of your partners. Be careful and have a trigger plan if you use these.
Kitchen items are really great when combined with 1950s role play. They can be fun regardless! Wooden mixing spoons and spatulas are common pervertables and quite easy to wield. Spaghetti measurers make a seriously painful and stingy toy but are very fun for the right person!
Hair brushes make great pervertables. These are especially appropriate for folks who enjoy age play. Large, flat backs on the brush with a handle easy to grip for the person doing the spanking are features to look for when selecting one.
Wax play is a favorite of mine. When selecting a candle, look for unscented and one without added dyes (unless specifically designed for wax play). This will reduce allergic reactions and chances the candle burns too hot for effective play. I like the cheap “Jesus Candles” from the dollar or grocery store in white. These burn at a temperature cool enough to facilitate lots of play. I have also indulged in soy-based candles which leave the skin of my partner soft at the end (note: many people have a soy allergy so check with your partner before use). Birthday candles, Shabbat candles, and Yankee candles tend to burn too hot and can burn folks.
Wax can be messy. Make sure you are on a surface if wax drips on it and leaves and oil stain you will not be upset. Also make sure you have water or a fire extinguisher to put out any flames started by accidentally knocking over a candle or two.
Clothespins are some of my favorite pervertables. The standard wooden clothespins work great to pinch skin, nipples, ball sacks, and other body parts. They provide a significant pinch. Since clothespins come in different sizes (your local craft store will have several sizes) keep in mind the smaller the pin, the more painful the pinch!
You can make a zipper out of clothespins. Thread a small ribbon, cooking twine or other small, study type of twine through the center of the clothespin. Secure it in place with a knot on either side of the pin. You can then line up the clothespins on a body part and slowly (or quickly) pull them off for an intense scene.
There are a variety of things you can gag someone with. Ties and robe belts are a good and simple option. I also like a large pair of panties wadded up. Leave a bit sticking out so that the person will not accidentally swallow the panties and choke. Do not use g-strings or t-strings as these are too small.