Updated: Aug 23
Okay, yes, I have done a lot of things. And yes, I have done a lot of people. And sure, I talk about some of it. But, no I haven’t done everything.
Its funny to me that people are either amazed, intimidated or put off when it comes to finding out about my level of experience. Sure, I am use to vanilla folks saying, “DAMN girl!!! I can’t believe you did that!” But I have also heard it from kinky folks.
I had the honor of doing a demo Armory earlier this year. Over dinner, the person teaching the class made a comment that with my level of experience, the demo we were doing (Intro to public play) that focused on a lot of the basics would be “child’s play” for me. Yes, I had done most of the stuff we were demo-ing, but 1) I still find all of that very fun and hot, and 2) I don’t always have to go to 11 to be happy. AND… I picked up a few tricks!! (Thanks Eric!!)
Each relationship is different. This is true between me and a partner and between any two partners. Every relationship involves learning and growing and figuring out who you both are and what you want from the relationship.
For me, it comes down to the connection with people. Some people, yes, I want the full D/s experience. I want to be a collared slave or submissive. I want to negotiate the power exchange. I want to serve. Other people, I want some of the D/s power exchange, but I may not be into specific types of play or even full power exchange. I don’t know when I first meet someone what that dynamic will look like or what we do in bed. It takes time and connection.
Time and Connection
I want to address pick-up play. Pick-up play is not uncommon in most play spaces. Someone comes to the space with the intention of meeting someone else there, doing a scene, and that is great. There was nothing planned in advance. Its play that happens relatively spontaneously.
I have no issue with pick up plan and I am glad people can have fun this way. However, I cannot and do not participate in pick up play. Any BDSM play involves head space issues for me and I am not capable of submitting or even really bottoming on the spur of the moment.
Vanilla sex is different for me. Yes, I have done the one night stand thing – um, more than once. But what I found was that these encounters were never really satisfying. Its not that the sex was always lousy, it was mostly bad, but some people had some skill. It was the fact that I left the encounter lacking a connection. It was transactional sex. It filled the time, or I was bored and horny and it took the edge off. But ultimately I had no real connection with the other person.
Anymore, I need time to develop a connection and trust with someone for sex to be worth the time it takes to shave. I want to like the other person. I want to be part of their lives for more than a hot minute. I want to enjoy our time together and not just be rutting around for an hour and calling it good. Connection does not happen instantly. It takes time.
I know people, even experienced kinksters I have had relationships with, are intimidated by my history. One partner, a relatively practiced kinkster who had to buy a new belt because he ran out of notch space, mentioned that he didn’t think he could ever reach my red and that I did things well out of his comfort zone. In terms of sex, this puts the imbalance in my favor.
First, I know from our play if he wanted to, he could make me go red. Second, I have done things that are outside his comfort zone, but he had done things outside of mine that he introduced me to and I really enjoy with him.
I have a partner who is relatively vanilla. I know he worries that my experience level will make him seem boring. However, that is far from the truth. He and I have a good connection and I really enjoy spending time with him. I actually like Netflix and Chill now (lol)!! We also have a ton of fun in bed… even without introducing advanced kink.
Experience isn’t something to be intimidated by. Yes, I have probably done a few things you haven’t. Then again, you have probably done a few things I haven’t. When it comes to relationships and intimacy, every partnership is unique.
If Each Partnership is Unique, What Good is Experience?
My history and past experiences inform me about my needs, likes and dislikes. I need a partner who respects me. I need a partner who really cares about my well being. I need a partner who is emotionally and physically strong. I need to introduce some level of D/s into a long term relationship. I know this from my past relationships where I either had or lacked these things.
Beyond the list above, I don’t need a partner to know the intricacies of caning versus single-tail play. I don’t need a partner that likes humiliation play. What I need is a partner who is willing to put in the time and form a connection to allow us to grow and make each other happy.