I have been called out on this blog several times for referring to myself as a “girl.” There are people out there, mostly women, who hate the fact that I occasionally refer to myself as a “girl.” The feel the need to point out that “girl” is a way of infantalizing women and taking away their power. Its true. Some people, especially in the corporate workplace, use “girl” to diminish a woman’s power. And yes, as some of you have pointed out, men are rarely referred to as “boys”

HIV/AIDS has played a prominent role in my life. The first volunteer work I started with at 13 was volunteering for an AIDS organization in San Jose, CA in 1987. I did house cleaning and basic respite care for people living with HIV/AIDS. I can remember when they finally started referring to HIV as HIV instead of a number of other acronyms. I remember watching the ACT-UP protests at the FDA fighting for basic help to get drugs to the (then) thousands of people dying of AIDS.

One of the things I like most about the BDSM/kink community is the presence of rules and structure. These come in basic rules for interacting with others and protocols, but for this post, I will lump them together. I have always liked rules for social interactions. I consume etiquette books with a passion and have a whole collection of them. I know that most social etiquette in the West developed as a way to distinguish social classes when the structures set up of the service

I love Halloween. Its basically the primary gay holiday in the U.S. I love dressing up, going out, having a ton of fun, and finishing the bag of candy the kiddies didn’t get. However, Halloween also causes me a lot of concern. I have been following the protests about costumes for young girls for several years. Major outlets like Target, Walmart and Party City insist on carrying inappropriate costumes for girls. They will have the “cop” and “fireman” and “doctor” for boys and

Okay, I get that most people not in the kink community believe that kink and BDSM only refer to sex. I get that kink and BDSM are very foreign to most people. I get that it is scary and off-putting to people who are raised in the predominant cultural narrative about sex. I am also sick of this. Kink and BDSM go way beyond sex. There are communities, it speaks to relationship dynamics, and a lot of kinky people get together to do stuff like play cards, have dinner, and watch t

I like porn. I struggle with that fact at times. I know the industry can be very exploitative and that the body images featured in porn contribute to the narrow concept of beauty. I know not everyone in porn is there of their own free will with the full desire to participate. Still, I enjoy it. I recently began two projects of my own involving visual porn (I write porn, but that is not what I am addressing here). One was my film for the HUMP Festival competition (see it here)

You Got To Be Real – Cheryl Lynn (1978) There are few things in English I hate more than the insistence of modifying a social construct with the term “real” (e.g., “real woman” or “real man”). Every time I see this, be it with gender, sexual orientation, race, or kink, I chafe. Adding “real” to a social construct attaches a judgment and valuation to whatever concept is being modified. “Real” is used to discriminate, to devalue, and to excise someone from a group. The Rise of

I stand on the shoulders of giants. Men and women and transfolks who came before me, fought the impossible fights, loved with great passion and depth, and made the amazingly brave choice to be who they were authentically. I am who I am and can live how I live because people before me took risks, embraced who they are, and loved. When I was eleven, I watched The Life and Times of Harvey Milk on PBS in San Jose, CA. I had not come into much knowledge of my own sexuality. I had

We, as a society, need to talk a lot more about variants on sexuality and relationship styles. For a long time I have maintained that the oppressive modeling of the heteronormative monogamous marriage as the ultimate goal for adult relationships is harmful. Now that I am out an open as a kinky person, I am realizing how much damage this image causes people. In the last three months I have had almost a dozen conversations with people who have said, “Wow! I did not know this ex

I have had the benefit of being part of the both the queer and kink communities for a very long time now. Part of being part of sexual minorities is that I have been forced to think a lot about sexuality, the ethics of it, and how it impacts my life. Sexuality is a lot like being other types of minorities in that the minority is forced to think about things people in the majority never have to deal with. When you are White you can move through society without thinking about t

I have been asked several times in the past few months about what I think about the growing visibility of kink. With the massive explosion of 50 Shades and all the products marketed with that more people are aware that some people practice BDSM or dominance and submission. I listened to quite a few conversations about how the kink closet is the next closet to come to people’s attention and how increased visibility will allow kinky people to be who they are. In all honesty, I

We are all born naked. Everything else is drag. ~RuPaul I want to take a concept from sexual orientation and evolve it to relate to gender. People speak of sexual orientation to describe in part to the people they are sexually attracted too. Heterosexuals (e.g., straight, hetero) are attracted to people differently gendered. Homosexuals (e.g., gay, lesbian) are sexually attracted to same-gendered people. Some people are asexual. These individuals are not sexually attracted to

The timing of this post is prompted by a discussion currently occurring on Fetlife (major social network site for the kink community). A site member called out the racism which occurs on the site and has prompted a lot of discussion about race and racism in the kink world. As someone who dates primarily Black men, I wanted to way in on some issues. Loving Black Men I love Black men. I do. Since my ex- and I split, I have almost exclusively dated Black men (I have played with

I experience language differently than a lot of people. Words have sound and meaning, and I can see them written on a page as other do, but words also have flavor, texture, depth and feeling to them. Words are tactile and some have meanings that my cells have known since birth. I roll words around in my mouth, tasting them, feeling them slide over my tongue and glide down my throat. They slide through my fingers, tugging at the grooves, leaving a moist or slippery trail, or b

I am a feminist. I am a submissive. This is my choice. There is no conflict between the two for me. However, my submission is not an act of a feminist because I simply choose submission. Not all choices by women are feminist choices. Simply fulfilling my needs and desires through submission do not make me a feminist. My submission and choice to submit gains its power and definition as a feminist act because it is made after I understood the larger social structures, mores, an

This is an open letter to anyone who has recently discovered that there is a kinky world out there and they now think they want to explore it. First, most kinky folks welcome you to your journey into kink. And it is a journey. Second, please know there are some basic guidelines that will help you with your exploration. These thoughts and tips are meant to help you select how you want to explore kink and how to avoid common pitfalls. BE SAFE! For months before 50 Shades premie

For a long time it was odd to me that I could be in a social situation where my multiple intimate partners were present, we would all be okay with the situation, but people who were not involved with us would be freaking out. For example, I would throw a cocktail party at my house. I would invite the three men I was currently sleeping with. They knew about each other and they personally knew each other. None of them had an issue that I was not monogamous and none had a desire