Updated: Aug 22, 2022
Valentine’s Day in America is basically the National Day for Weird Sex. After the age of 18 most of us feel the social pressure to do something romantic and sexy on February 14. Culturally we are trained to see ourselves as “losers” or “undesirable” if we do not have a romantic date lined up. By “romantic” we also tend to mean sexual. Unless, of course, you are Liz Lemon and celebrate Anna Howard Shaw day instead of Valentine’s Day.
Many of us feel pressure to come up with new and exciting ways to have sex with our partners on Valentine’s Day. This can be wearing sexy lingerie, trying new sexual activities, changing locations (e.g., hotel, beach), or just having sex if your relationship has limited sexual activity. The pressure to come up with ideas and implement them can be overwhelming.
Kinky folks can feel additional pressure. If your regular sexual encounters involve elaborate scenes, or being tied up or spanked, trying to “up” your game may seem like a steep hill to climb! Additionally, introducing new things sexually comes with a risk. Your partner may hate them. Something can go wildly awry. Your gesture may fall flat.
Here are some tips and tools for planning a sexy Valentine’s Day surprise which (probably) won’t end awkwardly.
It Has to Work For Both (or All) of You!
Unless you are planning a romantic evening loving your sexy self (which is a great option, by the way) you will have at least one other person involved in your sexy plans. Springing a new activity, toy, or even lingerie on a partner without talking about beforehand increases the chance something will go wrong. In the case of introducing new types of play or types of toys, you should definitely talk about your idea BEFORE you get into the sexy time. Consent is the basis for sexiness.
If you have a great desire to surprise your partner, keep the following things in mind.:
How does your partner feel about surprises? Some people delight in them! Some people are very uncomfortable with them. Surprises can shut some people down.
Is the surprise something you have talked about – at least in the abstract. If you want to try rope bondage for the first time, is this something you and your partner have talked about exploring? Is it something you could do the research on beforehand to make sure you have the basic safety issues mastered before you try things? Have you talked about and expressed interest in the category of toys you want to try? Showing up with a cane when you and your partner have never talked about them can be a recipe for disaster! What will you do if your partner’s reaction is “Oh Hell No!”?
How will you establish consent? If you want to try something new you need to make sure your partner on board with it BEFORE you start. Figure out how you will introduce to the new activity or toy.
Reduce Your Expectations
This is not meant to sound depressing. We tend to build up our expectations around sex and sexy evenings in our heads. If you are masturbating and fantasizing about the potential new sexy time, it becomes very tempting to believe the night will go down the way it works in your fantasy. Additionally, nobody wants to think a special night will end with mediocre or downright disappointing sex. The reality is that there are no guarantees your night will end with mind-blowing sex and deep connections.
Be realistic in your expectation. This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Friday. This increases the pressure since many of us have the next day off work so it is a great night to go out (in theory). It also means most of us are coming to the end of our work week, we have a full day of work prior to going out to celebrate, and we may have weekend plans already. All this adds up to being tired, stressed and drained for many people. These feelings are not ideal for a super sexy night.
Additionally, trying something new means there will be a learning curve. We are rarely brilliant at an activity the first time we try it. Think about learning to drive, holding a pencil, drawing a circle, or even putting on (or taking off) a bra! New sexual activities and lingerie introduce new challenges. Allow for a learning curve and realize your planned activity may not come off like you envisioned.
Finally, Valentine’s Day does not happen in a vacuum. You have a relationship with the person (or people) you are making plans with for the holiday. The state of your relationship will color the night. If you are experiencing new relationship energy this can add positive energy to the night. If you have been fighting for the last week, this will probably take away from the sexy fun of your evening. Be honest with yourself about how things have been going.
Pamper You First
If you feel sexy and confident, it will help promote a sexy evening. We all have something which helps us feel our sexy best. For some, its lingerie or kink wear. For others, it is being impeccably groomed (new hair cut, waxing, etc.). For some it is wearing a specific cologne or perfume. Whatever helps you feel sexy, indulge in it!
Your mental state is also important. Try and find a bit of time to relax before launching into your plans for the day. This may be as simple as coming home from work and changing your clothes. For others it may be a long hot shower, a good workout at the gym, or a few minutes meditating. Whatever helps you calm your mind and center, try and carve out some time to take care of you.
Stuck for Ideas?
We all get stuck for ideas about how to spice up our sex lives. Here are a few simple suggestions which might inspire you.
Role Play. Pretending to be other people or other roles can help spice up your night. Chose a scenario you find particularly hot. Do you want to pretend to be strangers meeting in a bar for the first time? Are you the stern professor and he is the student who needs extra credit to pass your class? Is he a veterinarian and you are an overactive puppy? Chose roles you will both enjoy. Pick up a prop or outfit or two which will help with the role play. Have fun!
Wax Play. Most of us have seen someone dripping wax on a partner as part of sex. Having a bunch of candles lit in your bedroom will up the romance level by itself. If you want to drip a bit of that wax on your partner, it is best to start with simple parafin candles. Do not use scented or colored candles as these tend to burn hotter and can include chemicals which may cause allergic reactions. I find the cheap (usually $1) “Jesus candles” you get at the grocery store make an excellent option. Pick up the plain white ones to use in wax play.
Make sure the surface you are playing on is okay for wax. The oils in candle wax can stain sheets. If you don’t want your sheets stained, use a barrier (a cheap sheet or towel will work).
Ice. Introduce ice to make the night sexy. Use ice cubes to chill nipples, genitals, thighs and even butt holes. You can hold the ice and run it over the desired body parts. You can hold the ice in your mouth while sucking on various body parts or engaging in oral sex. You can pull an ice cube out of a drink and use it on your lover. Its all fun and sexy!
Go Sex Toy Shopping. Do a bit of research about the good sex shops in your area. Stop by with your partner(s) and shop for a toy to use that night. This can be a great version of foreplay!
Order a Custom Toy. Buying a custom toy for you and your partner can be a fun way to introduce something new. Is she a big flogger fan? Find one in her favorite colors and materials! Does he love puppy play? Buy him a new doggie bed or leash. Do they like butt plugs? Invest in one with your initials on the base! When you give them the new toy, it will be a perfect opportunity to suggest using them.
Try a new kink! Is there something you have been talking about exploring? Start your night by watching a few instructional videos (you can pre-screen and pick out the best ones) for the new kink. Once you have a good idea what you want to try, go for it! KinkAcademy.com has a large number of good instructional videos on a broad array of kinks.