Updated: Aug 22, 2022
One think a lot of people new to kink and BDSM find surprising is that even with the most experienced kinky folks, we can get a bit bored with our sexy routines. Just like people who are more vanilla, sometimes kinky folks need to shake up the routine to make sex something exciting and fun!
If your “regular” sex involves whips, chains, candle wax and piss play, where do you go from there? Good news everyone! You don’t have to “take your kink to the next level” and start throwing knives and lighting people on fire (although, I am a big fan of fire and knives). You simply need to find something which inspires YOU.
Fun sex, inspiring sex, good sex, all have one thing in common. It is something that is unique and important to YOU. This is why so many sex game kits and “how-to” books leave people feeling uninspired. These items are general and often meant to be broad in order to serve the greatest number of uses. The trick is to make them personal.
Where Do I Start?
Ah… the tyranny of the blank page, as writers refer to it. If you are looking for inspiration for you and your partner(s), start with what you (and they) enjoy. This does not have to be anything sexual for it to work.
Do you have favorite movies? Books? Podcasts? Artworks? Activities? Sayings? Board games? Really anything will work here. Find something you really enjoy. Jot that down.
In fact, get yourself a notebook. This can be an actual physical notebook or a note app on your phone or computer. Whenever you come across something which sparks an idea, write it down. The ideas will dissipate as you go through your day. Make a quick note and come back to it when you have time.
Built-In Idea Generators
There are two major idea generators which work for many people when it comes to sexy time play: Fetlife “loves” and Pintrest boards. If you have a Fetlife account, you can “love” writings, pictures, and videos. Go back through your “loves” and see if stuff pops out for you. Pintrest can be used the same way. Make a pintrest board for images you enjoy and find exciting. These will reveal what you have been thinking about.
You can go right to the source of your erotic imagination- your fantasies. Whether you write, have sexy images or scenarios go through your mind when you masturbate, or you daydream, your fantasies are clearly things you find stimulating. Take some time to notice what elements are included in these fantasies.
Please remember that fantasy does not always play out the same way in reality. Something can be really hot in writing or on film or in your brain and totally not sexy when it actually happens. However, your fantasies are always a great place to start!
Once you have your inspiration, sort out what are the major aspects which make it sexy or thrilling.
Are there specific acts which you want to engage in?
Is there specific stimuli (visual, audio, taste, smell, etc.) which makes this fantasy so great?
Is there a dynamic in your inspiration which you want to achieve?
Take some time and really think through these questions. The answers will give you direction on what to introduce to your sex life to make it a bit more exciting or thrilling.
Does it have to be extreme?
Absolutely not! There is a possibility you love engaging in heavy pain play. Whipping and caning may be a staple of your sex life. If you find yourself fantasizing about more gentle touching or a different type of bonding, this is probably what you are craving.
Ask yourself, am I looking for more sensation play? Do I need my partner(s) or me to talk more in a scene? Am I craving a quiet scene? Do I just want something different?
If you are looking to explore a type of play you have not engaged in before, you and your partner(s) may need to take classes, watch some instructional videos, and practice techniques prior to actually doing a scene.
If you are introducing new elements (toys, dynamics, foods, etc.) remember to negotiate around consent! You don’t want to introduce a new element you forgot to discuss, hit a trigger, and wreck the scene! Also, if you are introducing foods, plants, or scents, you may need to check with people about allergies.
The best sex is personalized to the tastes of the people involved. In long term relationships, having inside jokes and showing you understand your partner’s(s) tastes and needs can be super sexy in and of itself.
Tastes and needs change as we age, as our bodies change, and as we mature. Just because the sex isn’t “bad” doesn’t mean you don’t need to shake it up a bit. The anticipation and excitement of trying something new by itself can break up the routine and bring a little passion back to your life!
Further Reading Suggestions
Specifically trying to get a new partner to try something kinky? Swingtown blog offers some great tips here!