Updated: Aug 22
Communication is key. You have heard it hundreds, if not thousands of time when it comes to creating successful relationships and successful kink scene, “Communicate.” Great! But, what happppens if you are not a big talker? Or if you are shy? Or if you simply hate having long, deep discussions about feelings and needs?
Communication for folks who don’t like long talks may seem difficult at first glance. However, there are lots of different forms of communication. See if any of these options will help solve your relationship and sex communicaiton issues.
Problem: When it comes to communicating about sex or relationships, you don’t know how to start the conversation.
Solution: Asynchonous Communication
Asynchonous communication is a fancy way of saying “emails,” “Direct Messages (DMs)” and “journaling.” If you find it hard to bring up issues about sex or the relationship when you are face-to-face with a person, use a fom of communication that is not face-to-face. Using forms of communication which allow for time to elapse between writing out what you want to say, sending it, and getting a response can help lower the anxiety around communication. Additionally, this will allow you to think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
If you are good at face-to-face communication but you find a partner tends to shut down or simply agree with you on everything, adding in emailing or journaling they share can be a great way to improve your communication as couple.
Choosing between emails, DMs, and journals will be a personal choice. For those of you are who are comfortable writng emails and sending them without getting an immediate reply, this can be a great option. If you think emailing is just for “old people,” opting to journal and share it is another great choice.
For shared journaling, you can use either a paper-based journal or an online option. If you like writing things out long hand or you prefer methods like brainstorming, clustering, or bullet points, paper journals are perfect! If you prefer to type or your partner is long distance from you, creating a shared online document through Google Docs or other co-working applications can be an effective method of journaling and sharing.
Some people will prefer various messengar applications. If you have a favorite app to message someone on, use that for a form of text-based communication.
The benefit of all three versions of asynchonous communication include:
Time to think about what your want to say;
You don’t have to see your partner’s immediate reaction;
It can reduce anxiety and pressure around sensitive communication fro some people;
You can compose yourself prior to reacting to their response.
Problem: You feel shy or get flustered when talking about sexual desires.
Solution: Share stories, podcasts, videos, and other media.
If you find yourself tongue-tied when asked “what do you want to explore” or talking about sex in general, try sharing images and stories about what you want to try. There are lots of ways to share your ideas.
Send a partner a direct link to sa story, video or other option which shows/describes things you would like to try.
Create an account on a porn website where you can “friend” a partner and share your favorite clips and videos.
Create a Pintrest board of things you fiond sexy or interesting and share it.
Share books you have read that have great ideas in them.
Problem: You want to talk about an issue but it never seems to come up “organically” in conversation.
Solution: Set a date.
Scheduling a conversation about sex or the relationship can feel like an awkward solution at first. However, agreeing on a time and date allows you and your partner(s) to prepare for the discussion. You have time to get your thoughts in order and practice the words you may not be comfortable saying. Your partner(s) have the same benefits as well.
Scheduling a date and time to talk lets all parties involved know what is coming. If you or a partner feel “blindsided” or “rushed” into conversations about sex and relatioships issues, scheduling it difuses that feeling.
Finally, setting regular check-ins about your relationship is a healthy practice. Rather than let the relationship run on autopilot until there is an issue, setting up regular intervals for check-in allows you and your partner(s) to get in front of issues. Think of it as tuning up your car rather than running it until it breaks down before getting it into the shop.
If you have a partner who lives iwth anxiety (or you do), make sure to clarify what you want to talk about. The vague, “we need to talk” can be torture for a person. Instead, saying something like “I would like to talk about some new sex stuff I’ve been thinking about,” or “Can we set a time to do a relationship check-in? I’m doing okay, just want to make sure we are still on the same page,” can go a long way to easing any anxiety.