The great thing about the advent of the internet, search engines, and millions of pages with information about kink/BDSM is that it has allowed millions more people access to information to explore their kinky side. People learn that they are not “freaks” – in the bad sense – and that they are not alone in their desires and needs. This is undeniably great!
I would not change the availability for people to find information about kink and connect with others for the world! However, the proliferation of easy and widely available information about kink has created a new problem. Many of us know the same words but we often don’t mean the same thing when we use them.
So let’s rewind a couple of decades to when I started coming into kink– 1990 (before many of you were born, dear mother Gaia!). At that time, to get into the kinky world, I found connections in a couple of ways. I went to lesbian bars, hung out near the butchest dykes wearing the most leather I could find, and tried to start up conversations that didn’t seem creepy. I would grab a book with a conspicuous title (most of the time Macho Sluts by Califia), site at the bar at 3 on a Saturday, and “read” or have it displayed while I scanned the crowd. Someone would eventually talk to me and I started to get to know the community.
We also had ads in the back pages of the free newspapers where I could have called and tried to set up a coffee date, but I’ll be honest, I was too scared to do that. For those of you doing the maths, I was also 17 with a fake ID, so bars where I knew I could get in were a better.
So between reading stuff and meeting folks in person, getting to know them, and having a lot of conversation, I started to learn about BDSM and D/s. This slow initiation and the requirement of having to be in spaces with other real people doing this stuff meant I learned what the specific group meanings were for “submissive” “top” “dominant” “slave” and so forth. It was slow. It was intimidating. It was also hot and really sexy.
Today, many folks find their introduction to kink by Googling “kink” or “bdsm” or “submission” or “fifty shades” and clicking the websites which appear on the first page of the results.
There is a lot of great information out there about kink and BDSM. Hell, I read a ton on the web, I have my favorite bloggers, podcasters, and sites for information. I have connections with people where we only chat online. I am not knocking this.
What I have found, though, is a much greater need to clarify what I am talking about when I use terms about BDSM and kink. The biggest problem has come in dating. When I was busy on the dating scene trying to find a dominant who matched my style, I ran into a lot of folks who called themselves dominant or a Master, who used the proper terms when it came to discussing BDSM, but the manifestation of those identities quickly went sideways.
The most common issue was a man – most often a cis, hetero male – who identified as Dominant or Master, but really thought this mean just being rude, dismissive, and demanding I follow his every move from the first moment of contact. This isn’t a dominant, this is an asshole, btw.
The other very common issue was meeting someone who identified as polyamorous but their version was way different than mine. They would be “poly” but their wife didn’t know they were on a date and they had no plans on telling her. Or they were “poly” but only open to dating women who would agree from date one to never contact or go out with another penis-possessing person.
What I learned to do (rather quickly) was start asking a few basic questions to see if we were on the same page. They tend to be useful when meeting folks in the kinky world to screen out incompatible partners.
Key Questions for Kinky Dates
What does [your kink identity] look like for you in practice? This works for anyone anywhere on the kinky spectrum. From D-type to slave, switches, those exploring and everywhere in between, everyone can tell you how they like to manifest their identity. If their definition looks mostly like yours, its a good sign.
If they identify as poly/non-monogamous: How long have you been exploring non-monogamy and what opened you up to this? Length of time is not a sign they do it well or poorly. However, for those newer to the poly/non-monogamy world, they will generally have fewer experiences and learning opportunities. You may have a preference as to how developed your partner(s) ideas about non-monogamy are at the start of a relationship and this helps you understand where they come from. Knowing what got them into non-monogamy can also help. Many people won’t tell you “I’m in a bad marriage and am looking to just fuck,” but they might tell you, “My wife and I aren’t compatible in bed” or “My husband wanted to see me with a chick” or “I am in this great relationship and we decided we had so much love we are looking to share it with another person.” All of those answers are pretty revealing.
Where did/do you learn about kink/BDSM? They may have favorite books, websites, movies or people. Knowing what they are reading and were their information is coming from can help you two ways. If you are familiar with the works, then you have an idea if it fits your style. If you are unfamiliar with the works, then you have new and fun reading or watching ahead of you!
How do you handle problems in a D/s, kink or poly relationship? A person new to these lifestyles will most likely not have a well developed approach to dealing with relationship issues from within a poly or kink relationship. Others might have a very well developed sense of how they manage relationship issues with an s-type or a meta. Knowing how they approach these issues will give you a clue how compatible they might be with you. If they have never dealt with a problem in these types of relationships, you also know your first major problem will also be a major learning event.
How important is it that you go to community events? Both kinksters and those of us who are non-monogamous have a lot of community groups, conferences and classes we can attend. Knowing if a potential partner values these events and groups or prefers to go it alone will give you a lot of insight as to how compatible you might be.
For these questions to work as screening tools, you need to be able to answer them for yourself as well. So take a minute and think about how you might answer them.
Each of us is different and each of us practices kink and non-monogamy in our own way. There is no absolute right answer to any of these questions. However, if you know how you would answer them you can use them to figure out a bit more how compatible you are with a potential partner. It won’t screen out every asshat, but they help.
Good luck and stay kinky!
Share this:
