Updated: Aug 22
Whether you personally are new to kink, or you are dating someone new to kink, it is an exciting time filled with fun and learning! It can also be intimidating, scary, and overwhelming. Knowing what to do, where to go, and where good resources are can be hard to figure out and find.
Here are seven tips for the new kinkster to help you find kink that works for you!
I. There is No “Right Way” to do Kink
Kink is personal. This means your kink can look the way you want it too and does not have to be like anybody else’s. Kink is a journey (it can be a lifelong one) and evolves over time. Avoid any self-induced pressure to “do kink right” because you read about it in a book or saw something in a movie. Do what feels right to you.
Avoid people who believe there is only “one right way to do kink.” These folks are known as “One twu way-ers.” People like this insist that ALL submissives do kink the same and ALL dominants do it the same. They tend to be abusive and dangerous. Experienced kinky players know that while an individual has a preferred way of doing kink, they don’t hold the key to the “one true way.”
II. Get Information From Different Sources
Don’t rely on just one blog, one author, one teacher, or one person to guide your kinky journey. The more you read, listen, and talk to people who do kinky stuff, the more likely you are to find resources and folks who resonate with the way you want to do kink! For a vetted list of resources, check out my BDSM Resource List.
III. Go To A Munch
A munch is a kinky get-together. Generally they are held in vanilla spots like a coffee house, back room at a Denny’s or IHOP, or local restaurant. People wear street clothes and there is no kinky play. This is a low-risk, open event and a great way to ease into your local kink community. People socialize and get to know each other and you can come and go as you please.
If you are planning on going to a munch for the first time, it is useful to contact the event coordinator to let them know you are new and will be attending. Use the contact form or message the person listed as the event coordinator on Fetlife. Introduce yourself and let them know you will be attending their event for the first time. A good coordinator will keep an eye out for new people and introduce themselves and one or two other people to get the ball rolling.
IV. Try a Tasting Event
Many kinky play spaces offer “tasting” events. These are events where different experts in various forms of kinky play will be demonstrating their skills. You can go from station to station at the event and watch, talk to the presenter, and try various kinky play options. It is a great way to get good information and hands-on experience to types of play you are interested in or unfamiliar with.
Fetlife and BDSMEventsPage often list tasting events. Check out the pages to find out if anything is going on near you.
Before you go, read the event announcement for any fees, participation requirements, and dress codes. People hosting tasting events realize many newer players will be there and try to make sure all the rules are clear so that people will be comfortable when they come to the event.
V. Take a Class
There are now hundreds of classes a week offered around the world for kink! Between online events and in-person events, people everywhere have access to some sort of BDSM class. I strongly recommend taking a consent/negotiation 101 type of class if you are new to kink. This will familiarize you with consent requirements, basic safety, and how to ask for what you want in a safe way.
Wicked Grounds offers BDSM 101 on a nearly weekly basis now! The class is online and can be accessed by anyone. Check out their class list for upcoming times.
VI. Splurge on a Cool Toy
Whenever I play with an experienced kinky person, I feel like the Joker in Batman asking, “Where’d he get all those cool toys!” Kink comes with accessories and I love that about it!
When you start getting into kink, you will be drawn to some specific aspects of it. It may be impact play with all the whips, paddles, floggers and spanky things. It could be the corsets or leather pants or latex skirts. It might be all the cool dildoes and butt plugs. Whatever it is, splurge on something you fancy!
While you can get inexpensive toys on Amazon, a lot of these are poorly made or rip-offs of high-end producers. Spending the extra money to get yourself something well-made is worth it. The item will last longer, perform better, and support artisans and not corporations. For a list of vetted vendors, check out my BDSM Resource List.
VII. Make a Fetlife Profile
Full disclosure: I have issues with a lot of Fetlife shenanigans. That said, Fetlife is the Facebook of the kinky world. It can be hard to get all the community goings-on, find out about conferences and play nights, and connect with other kinky folks without a Fetlife account.
Fetlife is not an indexed site. This means, if you are applying for a job or doing a background check, your Fet profile will not show up on the check. If you are worried about confidentiality, here are the basic steps to making a private account which is hard to track back to you:
Make a GMail account not associated with your name or other email accounts.
Sign up for a Fetlife account linked to the anonymous GMail account.
Use a Fetlife screen name that is not obviously connected to you.
List your age as 99 and your location as “Antarctica” if you are really worried.
Don’t post any highly identifiable pictures on your account.
Spend some time checking out the writings, event, and pictures on Fetlife. Keep in mind, this site is like Facebook. You will see some cool stuff, a lot of mediocre stuff, and some trash! Use the “Block” function liberally to block people who harass you, hit on you too much, or are otherwise horrid folks. While you may eventually move away from using your Fetlife account for much, it is a good way to access community information.
For tips on screening out abusive folks on Fetlife, check out my tips here.
Welcome to the kinky side!