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Sexier Sex? Plan for it!

Updated: Aug 22, 2022

I can remember the first time I read Macho Sluts by Pat Califia. While all the sex was really hot, a few of the stories stood out because the characters planned scenes. This was not the sex I saw anywhere else in the world.

Like most folks, the sex I saw was the sex on movies and televisions. It was always unplanned. Great sex was supposed to be spontaneous. Characters never talked about desires or needs. There was never any planning. There was rarely any birth control!

Some of the sex in Macho Sluts was just the opposite of everything else I saw. Characters planned scenes. One story even involved a character consulting with a dungeon mistress and planning an elaborate scene for a partner which involved multiple people. The planned sex scenes were the hottest and most elaborate.

I walked away from the first reading of this book both well-satisfied and loving the idea that you could plan for sex.

Planning sex is actually a relatively radical act in western culture. People who plan for sex- even if it is as simple as making sure there are condoms, lube, or other safer sex items- are often portrayed as “sluts” or “whores” or “perverts.” Planning for sex, even if it is to make it safer for everyone involved, is rarely portrayed as a healthy part of sexuality.

Get Comforatable With Planning Sex

The first obstacle to planning for sex is to get over the idea that you are somehow “gross” or overly sexual. If you weren’t lucky enough to grow up in a sex positive environment or as part of the kink community, how do you get comfortable planning for sex?

Look at sex like making dinner for your date. If you had someone over for dinner you would probably make a menu, go to the grocery store to shop, prep some food, set the table, and have something cooking by the time the date got there, right? If we portrayed the best dinners as your date shows up and you look in the fridge and then do your version of Chopped it would seem ridiculous, right? Serving a mustard and tuna sandwich with a side of coconut water would not be seen as the “ultimate feast” but rather the results of not planning anything. Not planning for sex leaves you with the mustard and tuna sandwich of sex.

Tips for Planning Sex

Planning for sex can be simple or elaborate, depending on what you are trying to do! There are a few things to take into consideration when you plan for sex.

Safety First!

I always start with what I need to be safe! This includes barrier protections (condoms, dental dams, gloves), appropriate lubricants (consider allergies, types of play, toys), and safety gear for BDSM play (safety scissors, a first aid kit). Having all of these easily available during your encounter will make things go smoothly!

Planning the Scene

Depending on the type of play you are interested in your prep will vary widely. Some general steps for sex prep include making sure your sheets are clean (if planning to use the bedroom) or that you have a blanket or something to lay on in other rooms. Depending on what furniture you are playing on, plastic sheets may be appropriate.

Other preparation means thinking through what you and your date(s) want to do. Do you need various sex toys? If so, are they clean? Do you need to sanitize your dildoes and butt plugs? Do you need to clean your whips and floggers? If so, get scrubbing!

If you are planning suspension scenes, do you have hard points to secure your bottom? Are you using portable equipment? Have you tested it to make sure all the bolts are tight? Are your ropes clean and untangled?

The more elaborate the scene, the more planning and prep will be involved. If you are playing at home, you have more time and flexibility in preparation. If you are playing at a dungeon they will most likely have the equipment set up and ready to go. However, if you need special equipment or are unsure what they have available, it is worth a call or email to the dungeon master to make sure what you need will be available.


It is always important to double check consent before doing a BDSM scene. Your date(s) may have previously agreed to the scene, but you should still check in on the day of the scene. This can be as simple as asking, “Do you still want to do this?” before you begin.

Even if your sex is relatively vanilla, if there is any question about consent, you should ask for clarification. You can make consent sexy by asking something like, “Would you like me to kiss your belly, thighs and then go down on you until you quiver and call my name?” Find a way to make it fun!

Romancing It

Planning for sex is actually romantic. It is a way of signaling to your partner(s) that you have spent time thinking about them in a sexy way and planning to make them happy. Planning for safety signals you care about the health and safety of your partner. Even if the sex is simply a one night stand, having things planned out says you care a bit about the person.

Don’t get me wrong, spontaneous sex can be fun. However, taking the time to plan a scene will almost always improve sex. The time you spend thinking through what you want to do and what you need to do it allows for more elaborate sex (if you want it too) and helps make sure you have what you need for a safe and sexy time!

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